Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 619
People used to make fun of alternative comedy because sometimes it would be someone being funny, and sometimes it was a crazy man with a flute making no sense. And it's very easy to be like, "yeah, that's not really comedy."
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
Whenever I walk off the golf course, I thank God that I'm able to tell a joke. I thank God I'm good at something.
If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
I'm not technically rich, but I do have a lot of shit that I don't need, and I refuse to share with others.