Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 619

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'

I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.

My parents didn't want to get divorced until they passed away.

You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.

That security guard can never tell me where to park. What does he know about parking? He can tell me where to stand.

Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?

One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’

I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.

I checked in to a hotel the other day and the woman behind the corner said to me, “Do you have a floor preference?” I go, “Yeah, I would like a floor.” Apparently, they can just suspend you from the ceiling now.

One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts.

I just told someone they had a "manly-ass jacket." I may have to give up speaking as my primary form of communication.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

Abraham Lincoln, who said, "A house divided... is a condominium." Never got a dinner!