Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 619

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.

I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.

Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.

Growing up, it was always, ‘If you buy kosher meat, they’re killed humanely.’ But I’ve seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.

If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.

I do not enjoy when people don't like me.

For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.

My dad’s a gun collector… He tells me all of them for protection. Then he told me one of them shoots 400 yards. I don’t know a lot about the laws of self defense, but you’re gonna need a good lawyer if you pick someone off a quarter mile away from you.

I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.