Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 620
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."
I've never been disappointed, because I've never given somebody I liked that much power.
The thing about stand-up was, I was doing all this sketch and YouTube stuff where I was not being censored and I got to do my own thing, and it was really cool.
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky.
There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.
Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.
Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? Ever. There's no reciprocity.
I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.
There are only so many ways to get people to go see stand-up, that it really is about the product; it’s not so much about the theme of the show.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.