Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 620

Child molesters must all think they've got huge dicks.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.

Milk should be refrigerated even before opening.

I think you know you're close to somebody if you can walk out of the bathroom and go, 'You don't want to go in there for a while.'

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.

On GM crops: I think we've missed a trick there. We could develop wheat with the properties of velcro, to catch whatever it is that's forming those crop circles. But then the spaceship would have to have the corresponding velcro so it's a bit of a long shot.

There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

You might be a redneck if your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

This whole urban rap thing needs to be pulled back some. The ghetto is being glorified, and there's nothing good about the ghetto except getting out of one.