Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 620

You might be a redneck if fewer than half of your cars run.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

Put your life out there and make it entertaining.

I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.

If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.

Women like jewelry. They’re like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they’ll follow you home.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

Farts are - I just refuse to be snobbish about certain shit with comedy. You know, farts come out of your ass and they make a fucking trumpet sound. That shit smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the fuck is not funny about that? It’s perfect, it’s a perfect joke. It has all the elements.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

You know what the average person is? Average.

I can never do nothing in this house!

A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.

Is it common for people to become a pothead at 40? Asking for myself.