Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 620

I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.

The older I get, the more I look like my favorite shoes.

Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."

Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.

This beautiful woman has something written on the side of her body, it says, "whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies, but in ourselves"... I just don’t under - why? why? why do people do that? Is that for when she’s hookin’ up with some guy, right? And he’s bangin’ her doggy style and he kinda leans over, and he looks and then he reads that, and like what’s he supposed to think then? Like, "Da... this bitch is deep!"

I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.

You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

You might be a redneck if your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.