Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 64
You’re going into business with that Puerto Rican? You ought to call yourselves “Julio and Big Foolio.”
Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.
I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.
When I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought, "When I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars. I want to have groupies." But my idea of success is different today. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way.
To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, "I’m Secretary of State next month!"
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass, and it translate to "beef with broccoli". The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.
You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.
I have a feeling for obscure, historical characters like James Abram Garfield, who was the 20th President of the U. S. He was a pretty hones Congressman and Senator from Ohio. Elected eight times. Tremendous integrity. Only, the most famous thing he's remembered for is having been shot. And they always say the same thing for who shot him: “a disappointed office seeker.” And sure enough, you look at a child's milk-container collection of the Presidents, you'll see: “George Washington, Father of our Country; Thomas Jefferson, purchased Louisiana; Abraham Lincoln, Emancipation Proclamation; James Garfield, shot by a disappointed office seeker.” Look in an encyclopedia under Garfield, James Abram. It says, see Office Seeker, Disappointed. The office seeker got all the fame!
People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.
I don't think the Tea Party and Glenn Beck are responsible for one man's mental illness. Jared Lee Loughner, Arizona congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords' alleged assassin, was a psychopath. They didn't even know if the congresswoman was dead or not when they started saying that this was the result of volatile political rhetoric. What the fuck are they talking about? Every logical faction has come out and said that this psycho didn't watch the news, he wasn't a political junkie, he was far beyond that. We have to tone down political rhetoric.