Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 64
I grew up watching and admiring Adam Sandler, it started with “Saturday Night Live and his albums, then I became a huge fan of his movies. “SNL”, “Kids in the Hall,” and “In Living Color” – their characters were huge influences and eye openers to other worlds of comedy for me.
No one’s ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz.
I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
It The Weather Channel is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.
We're so inconsistent about what we let kill ya. "Smoking? Must be eradicated. Marijuana? Zero tolerance." But there's lots of ways to kill yourself. You know what I think kills you? Stress, and being a workaholic, and never getting laid, and, uh, McDonalds, and staying mad at people, and lying for a living, and three-martini lunches, and the all-American breakfast, and whatever the fuck Elvis was doing. That's what kills you.
Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is. To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon ‘cause they make your butt look unreasonably good - and they should for 800 fucking dollars - and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking.
Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!
Sorry, I had told Craig and them I'm gon' kick it with them. Gotta go! See you when I see you!
Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?
Here in Los Angeles, school’s out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it’s the first week of hell.
I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.