Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 64
Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?
I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'
Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is. To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon ‘cause they make your butt look unreasonably good - and they should for 800 fucking dollars - and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking.
"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?
The main goal of the future is to stop violence. The world is addicted to it.
The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.
Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?
No one’s ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz.
I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.
Broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied to me and told me she got molested by her neighbor. But I know her neighbor. He’s a really cool guy. Not like her creepy ass other neighbor.