Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 64
Wake up, little snoozy. Smell the smelling salts? Ha ha ha. I'll juice ya up.
I'm very serious about no alcohol, no drugs. Life is too beautiful.
No one’s ever cum on my face. That surprises a lot of people. Never caught one up top as they say in the biz.
I've been trying to quit smoking weed and it's really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.
The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.
We're so inconsistent about what we let kill ya. "Smoking? Must be eradicated. Marijuana? Zero tolerance." But there's lots of ways to kill yourself. You know what I think kills you? Stress, and being a workaholic, and never getting laid, and, uh, McDonalds, and staying mad at people, and lying for a living, and three-martini lunches, and the all-American breakfast, and whatever the fuck Elvis was doing. That's what kills you.
It The Weather Channel is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.
Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is. To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon ‘cause they make your butt look unreasonably good - and they should for 800 fucking dollars - and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking.
Calling Angelina Jolie a husband stealer is like calling Hitler a vegetarian. It’s true, but it’s hardly the fuckin’ story, is it?
Here in Los Angeles, school’s out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it’s the first week of hell.
There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.
Sure, I've gotten old. I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees... I've fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, and take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia, poor circulation, hardly feel my hands or feet anymore, can't remember if I'm 85 or 92, but... thank God, I still have my Florida driver’s license!
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
You know those Italian eraser phrases? "That guy is a lowlife scummy little fat rat weasel bastard… I don't mean that in a bad way." Yeah, in the best possible way you can mean that.