Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 663
I actually graze at several of the homes while I'm playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
There was no religion in my life growing up. Did God invent us or did we invent God?
There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.
I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I'll walk away from show business. But I don't want to walk away empty-handed.
A lot of TV is put together by teams, by writing staffs and several different directors. It's a great, very smart way to make television. It's worked for however long TV's been around.
David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
The one thing you don’t want to be is a sucky clean comic. I hate sucky clean comics! It’s like Christian rock, bro. I’d rather listen to gospel and Christian rock. That’s cheating!
I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.
You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'
Oh, shit... somebody fucked you up real bad. I'll tell you what... I'm gonna go now, cuz I think you want to sit there, by yourself, and think about who you pissed off. Excuse me.