Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 663
Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.
I had a really tough time for a few years. My show was gone. My phone wasn't ringing. There wasn't one job offer. And at that point, I thought I knew for sure that I wouldn't work in Hollywood again.
I think genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men. And I’ll tell you why. Cause if you look at women’s stuff, it’s all kind of gross, but at least it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package. It’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men it’s like God started to make a bow and the phone rang.
Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.
I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
Private companies have a lot of capital. They can run things efficiently and get projects built.
Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.