Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 663
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.
Hang out with the worst people imaginable while they’re all in “fuck it!” mode - Vegas!
If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.
Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'
I'm hoping in the next 30 years we'll end up in a beautiful world where we'll actually all are not the same but equal.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
That's proof right there that men and women are on different levels because men can watch two women together and that's a turn-on. It doesn't work the same way for us, does it, ladies? No, uh-uh - it doesn't work the same. You ask any woman in here her sexual fantasy, and I will bet you a million dollars that it's NOT to go home and catch your man bent over with some big, burly guy standing behind him.