Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 664

Comedy is not pretty.

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.

I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.

Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

Of course the OC stands for: only Caucasian.

I have a couple of ‘doing caps’ in my wallet. That’s what I call condoms.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

A Jew never laughs without looking at his wife for approval.

And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.

Sin is in, and so we begin...