Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 664
Everyone was laughin'. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience.
You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.
Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.
Eve, who said to the serpent, "I could go for a little nosh but I don't know you from Adam." Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.
I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: "If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied." I said: "Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband."
I always loved comedy, but I never knew it was something you could learn to do. I always thought that some people are born comedians, just like some people are born dentists.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.
Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.