Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 664

We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

You might be a redneck if your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."

We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling Badgers through Belgium. But the Panda's want to die, the Panda's want to die out and we're forcing them to have sex. Can you imagine that on your death bed some zoo keeper's trying to make you hump someone? I can. It's not all bad extinction is it? I mean it's less stuff to have to learn to teach your kids. "What's that daddy?" Well it's a dog cause there's only dogs left.

Are you possessed... by a twat?

I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

My favorite show of all time has to be Charlie’s Angels… My hair was so feathered, that the back of my head looked like a butt.

Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Comedy is not pretty.

Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!

There's always something funny about men chasing women.