Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 664
And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.
I think genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men. And I’ll tell you why. Cause if you look at women’s stuff, it’s all kind of gross, but at least it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package. It’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men it’s like God started to make a bow and the phone rang.
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.
Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.
Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
I'm hoping in the next 30 years we'll end up in a beautiful world where we'll actually all are not the same but equal.
The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.
In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.