Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 664
Primarily I’ve gathered you here this evening to tell you this: that it’s not easy being British, as Kermit so nearly sang. The reason being, it is impossible for me as a British citizen to go into any museum in any nation on the planet Earth without, within five minutes, starting to feel guilty. You have no idea what that feels like. You will. Oh, You will.
If it doesn't know what to charge you for nosebleed seats, your team sucks.
It's tough having the last name Rickles. Luckily, my kids handled it great.
I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.
Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.
When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
I would define my looks as a Victorian Childcatcher. Or an S&M Willy Wonka who likes to use a riding crop on his own leg in his spare time.
You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.