Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 665

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.

I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!

I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.

I just wanna hang out. No big deal!

I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.

If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.

And then Jesus answered him, Jesus said, 'Well, my son...that is when I was helping one of the other five billion people on the planet, you selfish fuck. C'mon! You were walking back to your Malibu beach colony home and stubbed your toe on some driftwood, it's not a fuckin' emergency, alright? There's other people with real problems.'

Rational people, anti-religionists, must end their timidity and come out of the closet and assert themselves. And those who consider themselves only moderately religious really need to look in the mirror and realize that the solace and comfort that religion brings you actually comes at a terrible price.

Change religions for a girl? That’s crazy. Can you imagine what your boys would say? ‘Kevin’s so whipped, he’s Jewish!'

I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.

My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.