Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 665

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I don't believe pumpkin pie is even made from pumpkin. I mean, how can something that smells that shitty make a pie so sweet? There's not enough sugar in the universe.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?

I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.

I knew comedy was the thing for me when I was the only Asian kid in high school... who failed math.

I go to pick up a girl in a bar. I say will you go home with me? She says I don’t know, do you have cable? I say no, but the rope should work just fine.

As long as you are a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my house.

Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.

Funny is funny.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

I hate those parking machines. Any machine where you've got to put money in, how do they always know you're in a hurry? You know, you rush up to it and they always get fussy on that last pound coin! You put it in and it goes "Nooo, I don't like that one!" "Yeah well it's just the same as all the others!" "Yeah I know, I just don't like that last one!"

I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.