Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 665
The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear that their parents are going to live forever. Showing up at your house at weird hours of the night, smelling all funny, with a bunch of their friends. "Hey boy, this is Harold, Cecil and Dicky. Dicky lost his wife about a year ago. I hear Erin made cookies. Where can I put my shoes ?" If that doesn't scare you, you're not human.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket.
Magazines are another medium I love, because 95% is simply based on 'How the hell are we going to fill all this blank space?'
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.