Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 665
Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.
Believe it or not, I've got a really bad metabolism. One burger and I'm done. I'm not a guy that puts away 10 burgers.
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.
My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?.. No... as funny as that is, I'm not.
Last week North Korea publicly admitted for the first time it has nuclear weapons. The Bush administration has so far shown very little concern, as the North Korean missiles are believed only capable of reaching the Blue States.
I had a really tough time for a few years. My show was gone. My phone wasn't ringing. There wasn't one job offer. And at that point, I thought I knew for sure that I wouldn't work in Hollywood again.
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.
Nobody's really happy. We used to be, before the psychologists made everything a syndrome. Or a dis-order. Before then, you weren't obsessive compulsive. You were, clean. You weren't schizophrenic, you were just damned good at impressions. There was no attention deficit disorder. I need a new chair. Are those drapes or a blind. My butt itches. Do we have a TV?
I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.
Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.