Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 665

Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.

Sin is in, and so we begin...

America, I appreciate you liking me.

I’m in a whole different part of show business. I’m not even part of Shakespeare in Love.

Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace.

I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, Gee, if only I'd done The Man Who Came to Dinner on Broadway, I would have been happier.

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.

I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic.

We just got vialated by a nasty, small Frenchman.

Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.

That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.