Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 665
I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.
I've been married four years now and it's getting pretty serious.
When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!
I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I'll walk away from show business. But I don't want to walk away empty-handed.
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.
I just took a test this morning. Yeah, at the free clinic for hepatitis. I kicked ass, too. I got an A, two B's and a C.
Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!