Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 666
Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.
That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"
I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!
One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was "No hugs!" Full House was all based on hugs.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
Some people have religion as a means of solace. But, I had a dreidel, so that was out.
One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: The retarded gynecologist, the retarded Jesus, the retarded Osama Bin Laden. It works. It's funny. Inappropriate? I dunno. I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of what crosses the line of good taste being that I am retarded. Socially perhaps, but severly retarded.
I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the car pool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.'
Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.
I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.