Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 666

I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

Nobody wants to read about your life. Who cares?

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, "Gee, I've got something here."

Nobody's been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because the commencement address. 'So you're saying I can be anything? Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do.'

George Lopez does so much mugging, I’m surprised he’s not up on charges.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

But our country's equivalent of gritty reality is more like "Look out Sarge, he's got a shooter!"

Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.