Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 666

I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.

I called my pilot 2 weeks before I flew and asked him, "I don’t want to get sick, what should I eat?" He said, "Peanut Butter." I said, "If I eat peanut butter then I won’t get sick?" He said, "no, but it tastes the same comin’ up as it does goin’ down."

Hurricane Katrina was caused by political correctness. I said it!

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

The funniest line in English is "Get it?" When you say that, everyone chortles.

My therapist says I'm afraid of success. I guess I could understand that, because after all, fulfilling my potential would REALLY cut into my sitting-around time...

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

I don't think fascism is dying for.

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.

Step up or step aside.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

I don't have no damn cover! Kiss my ass, so what?

The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.