Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 666
I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic.
Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning.
When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.
In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!
In the debate Bush appeared confident, he appeared relaxed, he appeared calm. That's right, he's drinking again.
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.
What you find is that most Jewish camps have Indian names, and I think I understand why. First of all, Camp Nagiwa or Camp Apache -- that sounds a lot more fun than Camp Jewy Jew, right? That's just more fun. Also, I think Jews can relate to people who are rounded up and put in places where they didn't want to be.
My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.