Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 667

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the fucking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.

Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

Funny is funny.

The meek may inherit the earth, but they don't get in to Harvard.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

We need to be prepared to help with their rent and utilities for six months to a year. We don't want them working right now.

Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.