Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 667

My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.

I am a patriot, and I protest speed limits by exceeding them.

Rational people, anti-religionists, must end their timidity and come out of the closet and assert themselves. And those who consider themselves only moderately religious really need to look in the mirror and realize that the solace and comfort that religion brings you actually comes at a terrible price.

Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

I'm from such an old family, it's been condemned.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

The one thing you don’t want to be is a sucky clean comic. I hate sucky clean comics! It’s like Christian rock, bro. I’d rather listen to gospel and Christian rock. That’s cheating!

Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, orangutang's bollocks. I dunno I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!

I could have been in a sorority. Yes, I could. I could so. But they would not let me in because I already had a personality of my own.

Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.

I don't need politicians doing a 24-hour prayer with Oral Roberts to get our country back on track.

When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.