Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 667
One of President Obama's winning points last night was about how sanctions against Iran are crippling their economy... and believe me if anyone knows how to cripple an economy it's President Obama!
Every time I talk about Chipotle in conversation, someone goes, “Oh, Chipotle is delicious. Can you believe they were started by McDonald’s?” Uh, McDonald’s is delicious, so yes, I can believe that. It’s not like Ben and Jerry’s opened up a lingerie shop. It’s the world’s greatest restaurant chain taking a stab at another kind of food and hitting it out of the park.
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
I know that if I wasn't scared, something's wrong, because the thrill is what's scary.