Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 667
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
They hate us in other countries. Because we’re arrogant. We don’t know the name of nobody else’s president. Other countries know G.W. (Bush) They know him. But why they hate us because we don’t know and we don’t care. Because they’ll be like, “Hey, do you know the name of my countries leader?” <br /> And you’ll be like, “No.”<br /> “Well, his name..”<br /> “No. Don’t tell me that. I don’t want to hear that.”
The night I turned twenty-two, I drank a shot for every year. I was so drunk, I'd just walk up to people in the bar and hit them in the balls. My friends drove me home and left me propped up on the couch holding a bucket. I woke up with vomit all over me. The bucket was clean as a whistle.
How dare you compare Hitler to this president or any president? How dare you equate what he did with what Obama is doing? Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you know anything about history? Do you have any idea what Hitler did? He killed six million of my people, which is six million more than Obama has killed. You're a fucking idiot. You're a fucking moron. You're the fucking problem with this country.
Well I was much too practical to presume to have a career in comedy.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.
"I like it when the waiter asks you if you want Parmesan cheese on your dinner, yeah, give me essence of puke all over me tea!"
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.
You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
I've always been really dark, and drawn to darker humor. Nothing has been forced, and I don't say anything for shock value.