Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 667
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything - millions of dollars, mansions, cars, nice clothes, beautiful women, and every other materialistic thing you can imagine. Now I struggle for peace.
We need to be prepared to help with their rent and utilities for six months to a year. We don't want them working right now.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.
It felt very natural right off the bat. It was really tailor-made for him and mine was tailor-made for me, so it was easy to jump into.
If you have a date tonight, play it safe and leave your heart at home.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
I am the biggest fag hag. I love my gay male friends so much. But when I was a little girl I always wished I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys. And I am. And I should have been more specific.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.