Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 682

I don't see the vagina as a sexual object, but more of a vessel through which I seek emotional companionship at the cost of freedom.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

I don't remember much about my bar mitzvah. The only thing I remember - I killed! That's what I remembered. Nobody could follow me at my bar-mitzvah. It was over when I was done.

I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn`t have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.

I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, "Gee, I've got something here."

Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.

Sin is in, and so we begin...

I fainted last night! Luckily I was going to bed at the time so I didn't get hurt.

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

The best time to have a baby is when you're a black teenager.

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

Primarily I’ve gathered you here this evening to tell you this: that it’s not easy being British, as Kermit so nearly sang. The reason being, it is impossible for me as a British citizen to go into any museum in any nation on the planet Earth without, within five minutes, starting to feel guilty. You have no idea what that feels like. You will. Oh, You will.

There's a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at.

Always do whatever's next.

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.