Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 682
I know that if I wasn't scared, something's wrong, because the thrill is what's scary.
All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.
Gays are now allowed to serve openly in the military. So maybe our next war could be a musical.
I’m nervous about the whole velvet rope scene… I’m a child of the 70s. And I remember those Studio 54 stories where there’s a guy at the velvet rope and he’s saying you’re hot enough to get it and you’re not. And I know I’m in the not list. That’s not fun for me. When I go to Applebees, I get a table whenever I want.
I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
What I wanna know is why I never fit in right like a fat dude getting on a packed flight.
Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.
The most challenging part of being a dad is trying to postpone the moment when they realize you don't know anything. I love any sentence that begins with "Daddy...?" because it's implied they're looking up to you - that you'll have the answer. The truth is, I don't have any answers.
Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.
I don't want comedy to be Bridesmaids 2. I'm not denigrating Bridesmaids but, enough already, let's stop pretending women are incalculably different to us. Seeking out podcasts, listening on headphones, it's like an intimate, specific conversation. People respond if it feels from the heart. I'm as neurotic a human being as lives, and I have my faults. I'm a drunk. But people really like that.
I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
When you actually meet the devil and he offers you a deal most artists eventually negotiate.