Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 686

Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Here's what the kids get. They get free McDonald's and Kentucky Fried Chicken for a year, and 52 six-packs of Pepsi. And I'm thinking, well, actually, it might be healthier if they were taking steroids.

The best thing about me is there are no skeletons.

Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".

When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, 'I've been gypped,' or, 'He welshed on the deal.'

One of the things I keep learning is that the secret of being happy is doing things for other people.

I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience.

You might be a redneck if you have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

We are just pleased to help out, ... We want to help people that may be evacuating the Gulf Coast area to have some normalcy and take their minds off Hurricane Katrina for a couple of hours.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

Cake or death?

When a man is driving in a car and looks out the window and notices a woman with a great body, as he strains to check her face out, how does she know to keep turning so the back of her head is always toward him?

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.