Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 686

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.

I mean, I do love clever and witty, but I think that the 'Three Stooges' were geniuses. They'd have to be for their appeal to have lasted this long.

These ballot initiatives remind us that America is the land where people are free to dream whatever they want, so long as that dream doesn't make Midwesterners feel icky!

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

You have a ready wit. Tell me when it's ready.

I'm not taking the bus today. I thought I'd try something different, I'm going to throw myself in front of it.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

Don't hit women. Never, ever, ever.

Write more thank-you cards, but draw fewer swastikas on them.

As a parent in the suburbs where I live, you have to chaperone your children everywhere they go because everybody's so afraid their precious little angel is going to get abducted or something. How egotistical can you get? Oh, your kid is sooo special. Everybody wants your kid. Come on.

President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

I live in a predominantly anxious section of town.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!