Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 686
It's pure Americana. It couldn't be any more folksy or wholesome unless Huckleberry Finn suddenly walked in carrying a freshly baked apple pie and started dropping the n-word.
Let's look beyond the divisions of football teams and look at the unifying force within our souls... SEX!
People come and go around you, but you're never the one getting the big stuff. I like that.
I really don't know what makes a comedian. I think it's a family background and environment. Yet if you put the same ingredients in another person, he may never utter a funny line.
I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.
When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?
I love Fear Factor, but I think they're running out of fears. It's only a matter of time before they're sitting around doing shots of Hepatitis C.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
Every day starts, my eyes open and I reload the program of misery. I open my eyes, remember who I am, what I'm like, and I just go, 'Ugh'.
I've come to realize that making it your life's work to be different than your parents is not only hard to do, it's a dumb idea. Not everything we found fault with was necessarily wrong; we were right, for example, to resent, as kids, being told when to go to bed. We'd be equally wrong, as parents, to let our kids stay up all night. To throw out all the tools of parenting just because our parents used them would be like making yourself speak English without using ten letters of the alphabet; it's hard to do.