Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 707
Ratings experts say the best way to get people to watch during sweeps is to leave the audience with a question that won’t be answered until the next time the show is on. You know, like "Who shot J.R.?" I like to think I do this every night - the question is, "Is this show still on?"
President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.
If you`re involved in with something that`s original, you know, you`ll always go back and try to rehash it.
Bird flu! What's that? How do you know a bird's got flu! Some chinese bloke spots one of his chicken with its claws in a bowl of hot water and a towel over its head! Bwrr-rr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rrr-rr!
Being a big star and being known, making movies and a lot of money - that really doesn't interest me.
They don’t tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.