Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 707
Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
I don't think my comedy is that political. It's more social. But whatever. When you make comedy and you do stand-up, you work alone. Movies have to go under so much scrutiny. A stand-up special is a vision, and a movie is a consensus in a lot of ways.
I haven't been that uncomfortable since I was 13 and my Rabbi tickled my lower back with his beard.
Who's to say what's better or worse anyway? Who's to even say what's normal or average? We're all different people and we're allowed to be different from on another. If someone ever says you're weird, say thank you. And then curtsy. No, don't curtsy. That might be too weird. Bow. And tip your imaginary hate. That'll show them.
Goliath’s mother, who said to Goliath, "Stop running around with David! You're always coming home stoned!" Never got a dinner!
Religions are maintained by people. People who can't get laid, because sex is the first great earthly pleasure. But if you can't get that, power is a pretty good second one. And that's what religion gives to people. Power. Power is sex for people who can't get or don't want or aren't any good at sex itself.
Two Jewish women in New York, one says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says "I live in the back, I don't see anything."
We show-ed a lot of intensity on defense early. But we missed one of our point guards who is the spark for our defense.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, "Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea." Never got a dinner!
I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.
You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian.