Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 713
I was given two weeks to walk again, so I hooked up with a trainer, and he... had me walking. I'll never forget that, it was grueling.
I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.
America takes credit for giving you freedom that you had anyway. It's like going to a wedding and putting your tag on somebody elses box.
Comedy, such a lovely lady, she'll pick you up, you your feeling blue.
I don't think HBO would want to do anything in conjunction with Sub Pop but I never asked either.
My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"
President Clinton, this guy is sharp. Boy, he gave Hillary the most romantic Valentine's gift today, a huge rose garden. Where would he get that?
You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.
It was fun because, after shooting, Will and I would eat a jar of pickles and tell each other secrets. It was so much fun!
Christmas was really where I started coming into my own as a performer because I did all this stuff on my own, all this performing on my own, When other kids were outside playing, I was in my room conjuring characters and impressions and things like that.