Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 713

I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.

I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

No. I'm not going to be your monkey.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

I'd like to get some new clothes, but I can't find a Big and Short store.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

A person that is going to go out and get so drunk that you're going to get sick is just an<br /> all-time dumb person.

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.

There's two kinds of press that you get when you put out a TV show: The reviews, and the people that just decide what the reviews say.

Fang is such a drag. He took his suit to the cleaners to be cleaned and depressed.

I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, “OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell.”