Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 713

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

I have an ego like anybody else, but I don't need to be stoked by going before the public all the time.

This country is in a big hurry to go nowhere.

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.

You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.

You might be a redneck if your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.

And then mommy's lawyer does to daddy what daddy was doing to the nurse.

Obama is running again for spite.

The first Star Wars trilogy would have been much funnier if the whole time Chewbacca had been pregnant.

Nice jump, Spider-Man!

I bet a guy at a bar 50 bucks that I was more dysfunctional than he was. He raped me. So I tipped him. I'm very competitive.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.