Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 72
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Sometimes I get drunk and I get into arguments with taxi drivers. And I get out the cab and I slam the door. That's not the way to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way to win is you get out of the cab and you leave the door open.
Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle’s no. They’re not allowed.
Cause if you're a transvestite, you're actually a male tomboy, that's where the sexuality is. Yeah, it's not drag queen, no; gay men have got that covered. This is male tomboy, and people do get that mixed up, they put transvestite there - no no no no! Little bit of a crowbar separation, thank you! And gay men, I think, would agree. It's male lesbian, that's really where it is, ok? Because… it's true! ‘Cause most transvestites fancy girls, fancy women. So that's where it is.
Last night, I went to a birthday party, and this girl brought a cake and a cheesecake. And the other girls that lived in the apartment, I swear to God, all night long: 'You're taking that cake with you when you go. That cake's not staying in this house.' Like it's this evil, Hope Diamond, nuclear, horrifying cursed thing.
Where can I find a Big Bird t-shirt, a disco ball and a 14-inch dildo? Spencer’s Gifts.
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
I'm wearing a new perfume that I should recommend to the women in the audience; it's called 'Tester.'
Most people think I'm Danny Glover's son when they meet me. So when they ask, I say 'No, I'm Crispin Glover's son.' Then we stare at each other for a long time.
When I first heard the song "Don’t worry - be happy" I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with "Me first".
Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95.
I love New York City. The reason I live in New York City is because it's the loudest city on the planet Earth. It's so loud I never have to listen to any of the shit that's going on in my own head. It's really loud. They literally have guys come with jackhammers and they drill the streets and just leave cones in front of your apartment; you don't even know why. Garbage men come; they don't pick up the garbage, they just bang the cans together. And if your block's too quiet, they actually hire a guy who wanders around going, "Fuck me! Fuck me! Fuck me!" ... That was the first job I ever had.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?