Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 72
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and pull up your pants!
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."
Son of bitch kids too God damn smart for me. Sassy-talking, shaking heads and shit. “Talk to the hand. Talk to the hand.” See, I’m from the old school, I’ll kick a kid ass. When a kid gets one years old, I believe you have the right to hit them in the throat or the stomach. if you’re grown enough to talk back, you’re grown up enough to get fucked up.
I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, "Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.
Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.