Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 72
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
Bright lights, they tend to burn out fast. So I shine bright, but I'm scared that it won't last.
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."
Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.
I gave my cat a bath the other day, they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, if was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that.
I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.
Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.'
The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.
My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.
Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.