Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 72
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
I will tell you, that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop?! It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!
My mom shot and killed her last husband. Yeah, my dad used to say "Hey, dodged that bullet. Ha ha."
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!
My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and pull up your pants!
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.
I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, "Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!