Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 71
They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie! When you're high, you can do everything you normally do just as well - you just realize that it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.
I'm going to tell you right now, please, when you use the Windex bottle, never put that shit halfway. Always make sure it's lined up. There's no joke here. Don't do that. Bad things happen to good people. I know somebody here is gonna be like 'Hold on, I gotta try this shit. Hold on one second. What happens if you don't line it up? I just wanna see...' What if when you did that a fucking ghost came out of it? 'Ha ha ha, ah ha ha! He told you not to! I am Windextor. I will clean your soul!'.
Weed is from tha earth. God put this here for me and you. Take advantage man, take advantage!
We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.
I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.
Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.
Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
Urkel was retarded, let's be honest. No, he was. If there was a kid named Steve Urkel who went to your school - dressed like Steve Urkel, eating cheese all the time, always asking this girl named Laura to marry him - you'd be like, 'Oh yeah, Steve. His brother hit him in the head with a brick when he was five. Very sad situation at the Urkel house.'
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, "I’m Secretary of State next month!"
Remember the lesson that Susan Boyle taught us all. Before you judge an ugly person, give them two minutes to whistle a tune or tap dance for you. And if they can’t, fuck ‘em. Stupid ugly fuck.
The president is on national TV apologizing for getting oral sex. Why didn't he just stick with his lie? You got to stick with your lie. If you lie, you have to believe that lie whole-heartedly. It has to become the truth for you. But this man, the most powerful man in the world, is on national TV apologizing for receiving oral sex. He's an idiot. There are men sitting in here right now who would gladly accept oral sex on national TV.