Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 71

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

You can cauterize your asshole shut, you understand me? And then when you fart, it has nowhere to go. I'm not fuckin' around, it goes into your body and into your heart and you have a fart attack, is what you have. And you will die from that, and your last breath will be a burp and it will smell like shit.

I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.

I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

Bright lights, they tend to burn out fast. So I shine bright, but I'm scared that it won't last.

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!

White people go; Why you guys hold your things? Cause you done took every thing else, motherfucker!

I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.

You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and pull up your pants!

The problem with this country is that old fucks vote. We got shit to do, old folks don't, the only thing they have to do is judge you and vote.

You know, a lot of people’s last names are based on the occupations of their ancestors. That’s true. Just in my neighborhood, right across the street lived the Cooks. Right next door to us lived the Taylors. Counter-corner from us lived the Elephant Dung Shovelers.