Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 73
I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, "Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"
It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like.
Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
You know how we built the pyramids? You gotta ask yourself a question always flip the script. What if up was down and down was up? What if you looked down into space standing up on Earth? This is how we built the pyramids.
Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.
My mother sent me to psychiatrists since the age of four because she didn't think little boys should be sad. When my brother was born, I stared out the window for days. Can you imagine that?
If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
I will tell you, that you Christians have created a holiday that has become a beast that cannot be fed. Every year, Christmas gets longer and longer and longer, and you don't care, do you? You just take more and more of the calendar for yourself. It's unbelievable. How long does it take you people to shop?! It's beyond belief. It's insane. When I was a kid, Halloween was Halloween, and Santa wasn't poking his ass into it!
Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.
I've let chicks think I'm another celebrity just to get laid, just to get any sex. I wish I had a dime for every time in the '90s a chick left New York City thinking she fucked Newman from "Seinfeld".