Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 73
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!
You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously.
Pride should be reserved for something you achieve or obtain on your own, not something that happens by accident of birth. Being Irish isn't a skill... it's a fucking genetic accident. You wouldn't say I'm proud to be 5'11"; I'm proud to have a pre-disposition for colon cancer.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
I've never sucked a dick. Isn't that weird? My whole life! That's weird to me. It is! It's weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick, when you think about it, most people on earth suck dicks. It's true. Because 51% of the population are women and they suck dicks. Then there's all the gay guys who suck dicks. Then there's all the straight guys who have been forced to suck a dick under various circumstances. So there's only like a thousand of us out there who never blew anyone. Just a bunch of selfish assholes that are fuckin' gettin' blown and not blowin' back, you know.
Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot.
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.