Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 73

Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon. And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.

The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City. The traditional meal often includes gefilte fish. For those of you who don't know what gefilte fish is, it strongly resembles a ball of tuna fish that has been passed nasally. It's not good. During Passover, the angel of death passed over the Jews - an event that, up until the late 1950s, was re-enacted every year by Ivy League colleges and suburban country clubs.

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

I used to play golf. I wanted to be a better player, but after a while I realized I'd always stink. And that's when I really started to enjoy the game.

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

White people go; Why you guys hold your things? Cause you done took every thing else, motherfucker!

I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea... does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you've never met.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"

My friend had a burrito. The next day he said, "That burrito did not agree with me." I was like, "was the disagreement over whether or not you'd have diarrhea? Let me guess who won." "I tried to reason with it, I insisted, you know. I was like, "I wanna go outside, I like these pants, but the burrito had his way."