Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 73

I did drugs wrong. I’m the only guy who ever got fat on cocaine. I went to rehab for coke, and a black guy came up to me and said, "Damn, man, what are you pouring that shit on, cheeseburgers?"

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.

I'm not crying, its just been raining... on my face.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Fred was a funny kid, and I got a lot of humor from him. For a while, we were in a Catholic school up in Milwaukee, and Fred used to get laughs pulling an electric iron around the floor, like dragging a dog on a leash. Every day he had a new thing going with the iron. Fred was a great ball player too. He tried out with the Chicago White Sox, but that was years before Jackie Robinson made the break, and he was too early.

As much experience, education and awareness as one can attain is important for a comedian.

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

You know you've reached middle age when you're cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

You might be a redneck if... your family tree doesn't fork.

It's more important to look good than to feel good.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.'

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.