Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 726
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."
If you take the time to smell the roses, sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee and die.
My wife said to me: "If you won the lottery, would you still love me?" I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.
They say, if you want to know what a girl is going to look like, look at her mother, ya know. So I am so glad that I broke up with her, cuz uh, she would been uh, you know... dead.
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. I’m thankful for all of you. I am not thankful for the pilgrims. Buckles should never be on hats.
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
I survived my childhood by birthing many separate identities to stand in for one another in times of great stress and fear.
Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.
George Lopez has to get a physical comedy checkup every year to make sure his bulging eyes don’t get out of control... Good news George... you are humor free! There’s no sign of comedy anywhere in your blood stream.