Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 726
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
I remember when the last Harry Potter title came out, I think it was Harry Potter and the Crock of Shit. Or Harry Potter and the Mitten of Wool? Remember that?
The fact that women make seventy-five cents to every man's dollar won't bother us as long as you touch our clit.
I wanted the show to make the most of being the last area of television that the medium originally was supposed to be - live, immediate entertainment. I decided the best thing I could do was forget trying to do a lot of pre-planning. It all boiled down to just going out there and being my natural self and seeing what would happen.
The padded outfits, the bad scripts, the phony-looking sets... he dealt with it all. He had to. He was Superman.
Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.
Jokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I really enjoyed doing the book, but you don't get any reinforcement. You just sit in a room being yourself for a long time, and it's hard to get comfortable with that. The idea of getting back in there in a room with a bunch of funny people and just cranking out jokes is just really appealing to me.