Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 725

People keep telling me about the white race and the black race - and it really doesn't make sense. I played Miami, met a fellow two shades darker than me - and his name was Ginsberg! Took my place in two sit-in demonstrations - nobody knew the difference. The he tried for a third lunch counter and blew the whole bit ... asked for blintzes.

You shouldn't be eating anything that takes six minutes to microwave.

Dave Rath is recovering. A month ago he had hip pocket replacement surgery.

I think pretty soon people gonna be fuckin' for gas. I think people already fuckin' for gas. Some of y'all in here tonight are fuckin' for gas. Like 'Girl, why you with him?' He filled up my tank.

Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!"

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

I wanted to be a comedian, and this is what I'm doing. If I can keep this going, I'm happy.

I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

“My dad, kind of bloke could read out a telephone directory and It’d be funny…to be fair, he used to do it with his cock out.”

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

For the foreseeable future, we're going to need oil products because I don't like the idea of hydrogen cars. I'm not sure I want to be cruising around a mall parking lot filled with a thousand mini-Hindenburgs.

That guy is just a mess, like God spilled a person.