Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 725
I never understood how people could come to a yard sale and get picky. Make me feel bad about the stuff I didn’t want anyway… <br /> “Does this VCR have a remote?” <br /> “No. It doesn’t have a cord either. That’s why it’s $4. It’s a piece of crap.”<br /> “Well, I was looking for a new VCR.”<br /> “Yeah, I think they sell those in places called ‘stores.’”
Cheap liquor is a magic potion that can turn you into a puppet cowboy before it kills you.
I had anxiety for so long. I went to a psychiatrist… “I’m constantly anxious. What do I do?” He told me I had obsessive compulsive disorder. I was shocked. I had to call him, like, nine time to make sure he was certain.
It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.
Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.
Some people hate Jews. Fine, alright it's been done. I mean, that's part of my problem with it. Could you hate somebody new? I'm not giving you any suggestions but the Belgians have had a good run.
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?" I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."
There's someone out there for everyone - even if you need a pickaxe, a compass, and night goggles to find them.
I don't have to "freedom-kiss" my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.