Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 725
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
Incredible to think isn’t it, that every single Scotsman, started off as a scotch egg. Old and gingery.
These glasses are way 2 big for my damn face! I look like I got on a damn Tinted Construction Mask.
Squirrels always eat nuts with two hands, always two hands, "arararar", and occasionally, they stop and go, oh, uh, ah, as if they're going, "Did I leave the gas on? No! I'm, no I'm a fucking squirrel!" And occasionally they go, "Fucking nuts! Fed up with them always. I long for a grapefruit.”
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
When Jack Benny has a party, you not only bring your own scotch, you bring your own rocks.
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
I’d like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I’m laying on the couch and I can’t reach the remote control. It’s like, “Boy a kid would be nice right now.”
Joanne Carson, who said to Johnny, "Not so fast: what about the loose change in your pockets?" Never got a dinner!
It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less - even a vague pathetic facsimile of less - than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.
He could dismiss several schools of philosophy by shifting slightly in his chair or toting his whisky glass.
I got a big kick out of that, actually. I think even when we were doing the concert ... everyone thought it was kind of cool that three busloads of people came from southwest Ohio.