Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 727

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

They should also use focus groups only if you’re researching how a cookie tastes.

We put stereotypes on ourselves. Everybody does that. But I think it's just a little harder for black kids to just be who they are.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I got my first laugh when my mother entered me in a baby contest.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

It's no coincidence that the worst published writer in the world today is also one of the world's most successful writers... Dan Brown. Now Dan Brown is not a good writer, The Da Vinci Code is not literature. Dan Brown writes sentences like "The famous man looked at the red cup." ...and it's only to be hoped that Dan Brown never gets a job where he's required to break bad news. "Doctor is he going to be alright?" "The seventy five year old man died a painful death on the large green table... it was sad".

I don't understand what goes on some times, right, cuz here we are in this theater, we gettin along just fine. We go outside and the shit change.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.

There is almost no marital problem that can't be helped enormously by taking off your clothes.