Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 727

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

You're probably aware that Britain stopped evolving gastronomically around the year 1242.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Marriage is the death of hope.

The snake is 20 inches long and black so if we need someone to find it, call the Kardashians.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

I'm now a Doctor of Letters. Most of them Fs and Bs.

Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

This country has helped define me and make my dreams come true.

I've always had real trouble knowing what my actual desires and goals are. I've just been dragged along by fate.

You know how you look up at your dad when you’re a little kid like he’s got some special Dad knowledge. And then you find out all he really knows is how to have sex with your mom.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, "where will you spend eternity?". Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles.