Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 74
Last night I was having dinner with Charles Manson, and in the middle of dinner he turned to me and said, "Is it hot in here, or am I crazy?"
When I get a chance to play golf or go on a boat with good people, take the boat out and put some lobsters on the grill, get the ice-cold beer and the cigars - that's heaven here on earth.
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"
You have the American dream! The American dream is to be born in the gutter and have nothing. Then to raise up and have all the money in the world, and stick it in your ears and go PLBTLBTLBLTLBTLBLT!! That's a pretty good dream.
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
My happiest memory of childhood was my first birthday in reform school. This teacher took an interest in me. In fact, he gave me the first birthday presents I ever got: a box of Cracker Jacks and a can of ABC shoe polish.
A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says "I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers." The man goes "Thank god I don't have cancer."
The Yugo has come out with a very clever antitheft device. They made their name bigger.
Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
Madonna is so hairy - when she lifted her arm, I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Barundi says do you want a cup of coffee...
Pope Pius XII was meant to go and castigate Hitler for being a "Genocidal Fuckhead … with bunny rabbit ears". But he didn't, he wimped out, and for that history has renamed that Pope as "Pope Gutless Bastard I."