Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 74

Cos people think I'm on drugs and I'm not. I'm really quite... Just a bit of coffee. When I take drugs I start going, "Oh, would you like insurance?"

You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.

I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.

The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice still alive! They don't fill out a police report. They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper, they just take a piss around the body.

Thanksgiving used to be Thanksgiving, and it was its own holiday, not Christmas: Part 1. When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'

Everyone should have to wait tables for one year of their lives, so they realize their ranch dressing isn’t that fucking important.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

Oh... that! I wasn't gonna just... ram it home, you know. I was gonna... lube it up and ease it in there, inch by inch, like a gentleman.

My grandfather is from Ireland. His name is Florence McCarthy. He moved to New York in 1920. They used to beat him up because his name was Florence. He had to switch his name to Frank. And then this Christmas, he made an announcement - he goes, 'I'm switching me name back to Florence.' And we beat him up, 'cause it's a dumb name and he's old and weak and it was easy.

A kiss may not be the truth, but it is what we wish were true.

I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.

Sex is important to guys. We need stories to tell our friends.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Every closed eye is not sleeping, and every open eye is not seeing.

It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.