Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 74

I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.

Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.

Last week my house was on fire. My wife told the kids, 'Be quiet, you'll wake up Daddy'.

You just be honest about who you are, and if you don’t end up with any friends then good for you.

I'm not crying, its just been raining... on my face.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.

You haven't lived until you've died in California.

What does the word 'meteorologist' mean in English? It means liar.

You ever say a phrase you say all the time at the wrong time, feel like a complete idiot? Something like, 'You, too. You, too.' I was getting out of the cab at the airport, and the driver goes, 'Hey, have a nice flight.' 'You, too. You, too. You have a nice flight, too - in case you ever fly some day.'

Jewish people, we don't believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. We're suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much we've suffered. Passover - we're celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. We're celebrating, 'Hey, thank God we didn't get slaughtered.'

Tattoos are cool because they don't belong on your body, but you put it there to say something about yourself. Much like my rolls of fat. That shit does not belong on a human body. And I put it there to say something about me. I don't like fruit. I don't like it! Long bike ride? I'm out. Hot dog eating contest? I'm listening.

It's not tipping I believe in. It's overtipping.

When I went out on tour as Bing Hitler I would hook up with Lenny and we'd get drunk together. He was always very supportive. He was a big star and a lot of what he said to me had power and impact. Apart from that, I just like him.

Everybody's a racist. It's the one human trait that makes us all exactly the same. Deep down, we only like people who are exactly like us. And it doesn't matter. White. Black. Red. Yellow. Purple, uh oh, the purple people, are the worst. Man. All prejudiced and birth marky. But, we've got to learn to get past our differences. I learned that at the museum of tolerance. After my dad beat the crap out of a guy over a parking spot.