Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 75
Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
The last time I smoked pot and drove a car I ended up getting pulled over by a street cleaner. Marijuana has been scientifically proven to distort one’s perception of depth and distance. So driving’s a terrible idea. 'Cuz you’re in your car, like, "Oh man, I got a small steering wheel. Well, I am a magical gnome.. so that’s pretty cool." "Maybe I’ll pull over by that pine tree and take a hike... oh wait, shit, that’s the air freshener!"
They only seem to be talking to themselves. What if they're not? What if they're actually synchronized? What if for every guy walking by himself going, 'Nobody tells a navy man when he's had enough to drink 'cause only a navy man knows when he's had enough to drink,' maybe there's another guy, 30 miles away, walking by himself going, 'Shut up! You weren't in the navy. Kiss my butt. I don't need this.'
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.
Crystal meth's a good drug if you need to walk to St. Louis one weekend.
If you water it and it dies, it’s a plant. If you pull it out and it grows back, it’s a weed.
My mother sent me to psychiatrists since the age of four because she didn't think little boys should be sad. When my brother was born, I stared out the window for days. Can you imagine that?
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.