Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 762

I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.

Why shouldn't we air grievances at funerals?

I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.

Have you ever wanted to rape a clown, so you follow him into his car, and you end up having to rape, like, forty clowns?

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

I'm very open to the up-and-comers.

Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears! Personally I think its bollocks!

The first time I got up in front of an audience was terror, abject terror, which continued for another four or five years. There still is, a little bit.

My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.

I don’t like when people say ‘I’ll pray for you…’. You gon’ pray for me? So basically you’re gonna sit at home and do nothing? That what your prayers are, you doin’ nothing while I struggle with a situation, so don’t pray for me. Make me a sandwich or something. Because I’m very upset right now and I can’t make my own sandwiches, so that’d be cool if you made me a sandwich instead of prayin’

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.