Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 762

My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.

At any minute, I am four minutes from a poncho.

I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.

I got involved with this pro-choice group. Their slogan is, “Raising kids is murder”.

Some people…say America is not ready for a black President. But I know America to be a forward-thinking country, otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President?

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

If the owner hadn't come and seen the smoke, by time this place opened tonight it would have been rolling.