Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 762
Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.
Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.
Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.
My Irish mate told me, if you file down the edges of a 50 pence piece, you can use it as a 10p.
This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two.
Do not crush the flowers of wisdom with the hobnail boots of cynicism.
We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling Badgers through Belgium. But the Panda's want to die, the Panda's want to die out and we're forcing them to have sex. Can you imagine that on your death bed some zoo keeper's trying to make you hump someone? I can. It's not all bad extinction is it? I mean it's less stuff to have to learn to teach your kids. "What's that daddy?" Well it's a dog cause there's only dogs left.
If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.
I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!"
When you're on stage performing stand-up, things only happen one time. I've done bits where I improv a joke, and people are dying. The next show, I try to repeat it, I can't do it. Because with the first audience that was our moment. It can't happen the same way again. We were all there: a certain type of people were at that show and we all got it.
A young senator came to me one Tuesday afternoon and said, ‘I want to be the next president of the United States.’ I looked at him, made him get into a sensory deprivation tank and answer a few deceptively simple questions, and after about an hour I said, ‘Okay, kid, let’s do this.’ That person, of course, was John F. Kennedy.