Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 763

I get a standing ovation just standing.

Never go online to self-diagnose. Ever. Don’t fucking do it.

I'm staying in a strange hotel. I called room service for a sandwich and they sent up two hookers.

You're not going to find a Pygmie on Paxal, I'll tell you that.

Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!

You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words … have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going … "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"

I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I'd be far more content if I could mind someone else's business.

It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!

In the late '60s and '70s, when feminism was on the up sweep, there was an awareness of things that we're losing again.

My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.

Television is the triumph of machine over people.

I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.