Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 763

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

I was just in London - there is a 6-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

I really don’t deserve this. But I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

My eleven year old daughter mopes around the house all day waiting for her breasts to grow.

When I was in grade school I was into chess club, Latin club, D&D, computer camp - everything that made vaginas go away.

My daughters been picked up so many times she's starting to grow handles.

I'm always working on stuff. But they never materialize. I'm always working on movies and TV shows.

You want your lady to be a contortionist. What man wouldn't want a lady who's a contortionist?

I had a romance novel inside me, but I paid three sailors to beat it out if me with steel pipes.

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

Kept looking for something to be in with. Follow someone’s blueprint. But you have to be on your own.

I'll take on somebody if they're offending the entire culture, not just offending me.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'