Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 763
You ever wake up with an erection, roll over, and think you broke your dick?
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier.
They make these outrageous comedies and just use these kids as props. They're not beings who are transforming.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature.
I was licking jelly off of my boyfriend's penis and all of a sudden I'm thinking, "Oh My God, I'm turning into my mother!"
The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.
Because that's what narcissism is all about; looking in the mirror everyday and thinking 'Damn, I'd like to shag myself.'
Whether it means having a show, or a movie, or just being on a stage, I need an avenue to say what I have to say.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.
“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”