Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 764

Why put on an act on stage when I'm tragically myself.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

Now, most of the time you couldn't be too sure of the quality of the drug. Although, in my experience the stuff was always of a very high quality, because back then we didn't have business majors peddling lower-quality stuff in an effort to increase profits.

Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that shit is tight.

I actually was class clown, but I don't know how that happened because I've never been considered an outwardly funny person - as the people in this room will attest.

If there is a God, his plan is very similar to someone not having a plan.

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

Either you're the one erasing or you're the one being erased.

I’m a drunken midget with a loaded gun, a loaded gun.

I remember talking to someone early on after I was sober about how I suddenly felt awkward at parties. They said, 'Well, you're supposed to. Everyone feels awkward at parties.' It's an appropriate feeling to feel.

Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.

You don’t like pets, pet people act like you’re a monster. “You don’t like pets? You’re so mean!” Really, I’m mean? I’m not the one keeping a live animal hostage in my apartment. “He loves me.” Really? Open the door.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

Wind chimes are also earthquake chimes.