Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 764

I tell you what I could use, new color TV.

I'm 31 now. I think I'm beginning to understand what life is, what romance is, and what a relationship means.

I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.

I really shine in front of prominently Jewish crowds. Normally I really beat myself up, but as far as Jewish audiences go, I’m at the top of my game.

Only a woman can make you feel wrong for doing something right.

Well, trouble's my middle name. Actually, my middle name is Marion, but I don't want you spreading that around.

I remember when I was a little boy, I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in Braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

How dare you have wino tell me not to do drugs.

There were a number of referendums in '98 that most of the things I voted for passed. That's very satisfying when you feel that most of the country is in step with your views.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

Did you poop a virgin? ‘Cause that shit is tight.

The Devil: Atheists? Over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits.

As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.

Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it'll be your last headache.

The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.