Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 764
Whether it means having a show, or a movie, or just being on a stage, I need an avenue to say what I have to say.
I know a man in Ft. Worth with 100,000 head of cattle. No bodies, just heads.
I have New Age friends who gave their little girl a toolbox of plastic tools. They were horrified later that night when they came into her room and found out she was putting the hammer to bed.
“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”
I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!
I'll take on somebody if they're offending the entire culture, not just offending me.
I love traveling. It not only opens my mind up, but it also allows me to use my fame in another way through humanitarian works and stuff, and being an influence around the world.
You ever fall asleep performing oral sex? What’s so funny? I’ve done it. It’s not that bad. Waking up is horrible. “Where am I? What is this? Do you have any relish?”
It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.
If you want to know why I’m here and what I want from you I can only assure you this: you have already given it to me. Your presence was what I wanted. Sanity will always be and has always been in the eye of the beholder. To see you here today and the kind of people that you are has restored mine. Thank you.
I actually love Catholicism, it's my favourite form of clandestine global evil.
Inside of you, there's a fashion model just waiting to throw up.
How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana ice cream with caramel, fudge chunks, cheddar goldfish and pennies -- you've got to draw a line there.