Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 768

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!

I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.

I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.

If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I get recognized, but I'm not really a famous famous.

When women can't climax, it's our fault, but when we can't get an erection, we have to go to the doctor.

The difference between playing the stock market and the horses is that one of the horses must win.

Well, let me welcome myself to Texas. Where a man comes home and hangs his hat on his lap.

I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.

It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.

I'll think of the idea and then I'll write something down, then within that there will be a joke or two which is the original thing which I thought was funny.

Isn't it a little ironic here? We pick politicians by how they look on TV and Miss America on where she stands on the issues. Isn't that a little backwards?

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.