Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 768
You're not going to find a Pygmie on Paxal, I'll tell you that.
Vincent Van Gogh, who said to the hat salesman, "I like it, but it keeps sliding over my ear." Never got a dinner!
You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
You have no control over your cat! You can't say to your cat, "Cat, heel! Stay! Wait! Lie down! Roll over!" 'Cause the cat's just gonna be sitting there going, "Interesting words … have you finished?" While you're shouting all this to your cat, your dog's next to you, going … "What the hell are you doing? I'm talking to the cat!" "Oh, I'm sorry!"
Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?
The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.