Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 768
You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.
If I have one advantage, it's that I will try to work harder than the next guy.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
Life can be really hard some times but its better than being a butterfly where you only live a month.
To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror.
Did you know they had home paternity tests now at Rite Aid? Not pregnancy tests. Paternity tests. So you can go down the aisle… you and your kid, ‘Uh, let’s get some toilet paper. You want an ice cream cone? You know, while we’re at it why don’t we see who your daddy is.”
If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?
I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
Before the invention of the telephone, you had to lie to people to their face!
If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.
A man says to the doctor: "What's the good news?" "You've got 24 hours to live." He says: "What's the bad news?" The doctor says: "We should have told you yesterday."