Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 769
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
On Courtney Love: I was only in her company two hours, but I can’t blame that Kurt Cobain fella.
I have been privileged to get to know Kenny Dalgish and I would call him a friend – though his lawyer would call me a stalker (I don’t know why – just because I was in his garden!).
When there's someone who's dead and then someone does something that that person would not have liked, they say that that person is spinning in their grave. But I don't understand why they say that. Why is spinning the way that a corpse shows disapproval?
Growing up I felt so invisible and inconsequential my parents finally insisted that I wear a name tag at home.
It's brutal. I see friends when their shows don't work. Everything's riding on making money and all the pressure and how people scatter when fortunes turn downward.
There was an Irish space program to go to the sun. They went at night so they didn't get burnt.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.
On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.
If we are now holding late-night talk-show hosts to the same moral accountability as we hold politicians or clergymen, I'm out. I'm gone.
Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show...called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.