Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 769
Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.
I have been the guy who has everything but yet is so one-track minded about what I want, that I can't see my blessings.
I have to go to this mall in Beijing to buy some clothes. I didn’t know this until I got there, but apparently in China I’m Shaquille O’Neal. I go to mall. I walk into the store. I’m like, “Hey, you got a 10.5/11 in those shoes?”<br /> “Ah no! How about an 8?”<br /> “How about I can’t negotiate my foot size with you?”
It has this scope that's outrageous, but yet at the core, these very intimate scenes, so that alone is interesting.
I am a tiny, neurotic man, standing in the back of the room throwing tomatoes at the chalk board. And that's really it. And what we do is we come in in the morning and we go, "Did you see that thing last night? Aahh!" And then we spend the next 8 or 9 hours trying to take this and make it into something funny.
Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.
But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.
In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.
When God gives you AIDS - and God does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS.
I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.
Guys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts.
Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.