Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 769

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Being a parent is a life sentence. You see, that's why normal people should not have children. Because, if you raise a kid with only love and support, I guarantee that kid will be in rehab by the time he is sixteen. Why ? Because you never introduced him to mister back-of-your-hand. You know why I only broke into a liquor store once ? 'Cos my father introduced me to mister back-of-his-hand. And it's wiley side-kick. Mister foot-in-my-ass.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

We are the facilitators of our own creative evolution.

You might be a redneck if your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.

I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.

You know, a TV show is a slow build.

Being in a relationship is like being in A.A…. “Hi, my name is Adam and I’m a boyfriend. It’s been six months since my last decision. I felt the urge to have an opinion the other day, but thank God my sponsor came over and we sat down ‘til that feeling went away.”

I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.

I don't think crucifixion is the answer. I believe in the resurrection. I like that part of the story.

Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

It is more profitable for your congressman to support the tobacco industry than your life.

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.