Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 770

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

If you are 26 years old and you’re waking up under Star Wars sheets… the Force is not with you.

To this day I can't get aroused until I see a pair of rubber dice hanging from the mirror.

Did you know they had home paternity tests now at Rite Aid? Not pregnancy tests. Paternity tests. So you can go down the aisle… you and your kid, ‘Uh, let’s get some toilet paper. You want an ice cream cone? You know, while we’re at it why don’t we see who your daddy is.”

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?

Pussy really is the ultimate motivator of all mankind. No, don’t clap, this is a flaw in the system!

The shortest distance between two idiots is a conga line.

I plan on talking to my kids about sex early. Like six. Or seven am.

I'm slower and some days are better than others, but I'm a fighter.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

I’ve never really thought of myself as depressed as much as paralyzed by hope.

I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn’t hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.