Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 770
Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
The reason I'm a psychologist is based in part on my telephone routines. Much of my humor comes out of reaction to what other people are saying. A psychologist is a man who listens, who is sympathetic.
I had a lovely military flight, thank you. I love spiraling in - nothing like that to make your colon go, "Fire in the hole!"
Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser". I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.
My hair is always at its best in New York. I don't know what's in the water. It could be mousse.
I was looking at my coffin choices, I was thinking about getting the player's special, the one with the diamo.
New parents always sound like hucksters in a pyramid scheme. Anyone who has kids and then gets you to go and have kids gets a check from Huckster Headquarters.
Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
The best part of being married is... you don't have to explain a lot of things. Those wordless moments when you both know that what you witnessed together is funny, idiotic, or really sweet. Being connected is pretty miraculous.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."