Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 770
When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.
My uncle Jimmy took liver salts twice a day for 40 years. He died on Sunday, was buried Wednesday and the following Friday they had to go to the cemetery to beat his liver to death with a stick.
As long as your abuser has you scared, you will stay in the cycle of abuse. Thinking of solutions helps you to escape.
An Irishman's wife gave birth to twins. Her husband wanted to know who the other man was.
Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Did you hear about the accountant who became am embezzler? He ran away with the accounts payable!
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.
Our flaws are what makes us human. If we can accept them as part of who we are, they really don't even have to be an issue.
The problem with labels is that they lead to stereotypes and stereotypes lead to generalizations and generalizations lead to assumptions and assumptions lead back to stereotypes. It’s a vicious cycle, and after you go around and around a bunch of times you end up believing that all vegans only eat cabbage and all gay people love musicals.
To be honest, I'd be the last person who should be doling out gardeinng advice. I don't have the patience for growing things. Yes, I realize there's nothing quite as satisfying as eating food that you've pulled up from the ground and that's why, at the height of the planting season, I bury cans of tomato soup in my backyard and dig them up in late spring.
I don’t get back to Iowa very often. I mean, it took me a long time to realize that we were free to go.
I did work in a bakery for one day. But the boss went off and when he came back I was lying on the floor eating cakes.