Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 770

I feel more comfortable in comedy.

Once you're married, kiss all your dreams good-bye and "make the bitch happy." Good relationship is simply eating and fucking.

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

The scotch egg is such a Scottish food. It's as though a great Scottish chef said: I need a tasty snack. Let's take an egg... and wrap it in meat!! Makes it a bit harder.

Coach: "Are you any good?" Young Brian: "I dunno, my mom sent me..." "Well, go to right field." "Oh, okay." "Turn around, you moron!" "Oh, okay" "Not the whole way!" "Oh, just some?"

Shakespeare said, "Kill all the lawyers." There were no agents then.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I've managed to forgive everyone who screwed me but myself.

The reason a person is a republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican.

You're not going to find a Pygmie on Paxal, I'll tell you that.

I got a figure that just won't start.