Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 771
The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.
The welfare of our children is our main concern and their best interests are our first priority.
Rip Van Winkle, who said, "Don't make the bed; I'm just going to the bathroom." Never got a dinner!
I been seeing newspapers every Sunday morning, white dudes be in there in their drawers, never having no bulge in they drawers. Smiling at you. If I ain't have no bulge, I wouldn't be smiling!
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.
It's absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer. We have men, we've got rockets, we've got saran wrap - fix it!
School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other… but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.
Fang is so dumb. When he won his letter for high school the coach had to read it to him.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.