Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 771
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
Found a bunch of old shower caps in my house. Was gonna throw them out but realized they make excellent porta potties for long road trips.
Our dog just wanders around the house with a concerned look on his face. Dogs are just people who can't find their phone.
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, "The car behind me is paying for two."
Did you know they had home paternity tests now at Rite Aid? Not pregnancy tests. Paternity tests. So you can go down the aisle… you and your kid, ‘Uh, let’s get some toilet paper. You want an ice cream cone? You know, while we’re at it why don’t we see who your daddy is.”
If you're hanging out with two negative people, do they equal one positive person?
Apparently my street has a leaf blower gang who tag team all day, so the sounds of the leaf blower are forever blowing from dawn to dusk.
My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
One of these days I'm going to bite you and I'm gonna get very, very sick.
I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who's coming from a loving place instead of a political place.