Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 778

When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.

I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.

People do what they do to each other and they feed on it.

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

Fang's breath is so bad the dentist works on him through his ears.

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, 'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh, yeah? Why?' I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'

I'm paid to make an idiot out of myself. Why do you do it for free?

School, in general, was not great. Children are just mean to each other… but by high school, I probably stopped being annoying to people, and people stopped being mean. By the end of it, it was wonderful.

The last time a straight man worked in the fashion industry, we got a fanny pack.

Eternity is a very long time, especially towards the end.

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.

Fear of intimacy thankfully keeps me from getting close to myself.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

All of a sudden I had to remember some words that Marlowe had told me over fifteen years ago: "Dead men don't wear plaid." Hmm... Dead men don't wear plaid. I still don't know what it means.