Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 778
You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!
I don’t believe in burning holy books, but I am organizing a protest. I’ll be burning all my Dennis Miller VHS cassettes as a special protest. I don’t want to hear the introduction ‘you may have seen our next comedian on the Hannity show’.
She was hostile. You don't have an orgasm and say to your lover, 'Take that!'
A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Anyone can dabble, but once you've made that commitment, your blood has that particular thing in it, and it's very hard for people to stop you.
I don't know that I would need to be famous as a Middle East policy expert to see that unilateral imperialism is bad policy.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
It’s too much trouble to get laid. ‘Cause you have to go out with a guy, go to dinner with him and listen to him talk about his opinions. And I don’t have that kind of time.
I was once involved in a same-sex marriage. There was the same sex over and over and over.
When I go to bed at night, I've got so much grease on my body I wear snow chains to hold up my nightgown.