Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 778

There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.

I got a figure that just won't start.

“A market researcher said ‘can I ask you 10 questions’, I said ‘go on’, she said ‘question number 1 have you ever had a blackout?’ I said ‘no’, she went…’and finally, question number 10.’”

There was a girl who was cooking a cake for her family for the first time and the directions said "Grease the bottom of the pan." So, she greased the bottom of the pan... You think there was a house fire? Here's your sign!

Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!

I got some new underwear the other day. Well, new to me.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

I wish I was a book. She could pick me up, flip through my pages. Make sure nobody drew wieners in me.

There will never be a good time financially to get married unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you its your relationship that's insecure not his bank account.

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles… because I didn’t know.

Where do the homeless have 90 per cent of their accidents?

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

He hits the ball 130 yards and his jewelry goes 150.

Kids always act up the most before they go to sleep.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.