Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 792

I saw hamlet at the Globe Theater. Notice I didn't say I heard it. Some asshole with a whooping cough was right behind me. Hey lung chunks, if you're sick, stay the fuck home!

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...

I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.

This is how dumb the real estate agents are in New Jersey. They put their headshots and their advertisements on city benches. You know who sleeps on city benches? Homeless people. Why don’t you just put a picture of a four course meal next to it. “Here’s two things you’ll never own.”

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'

My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"

Two guys are talking and one says to the other: 'What would you do if the end of the world was in 3 minutes time?' The other one says: 'I'd shag everything that moved. What would you do?' And he says: 'I'd stand perfectly still.'

I like to stand near ATM machines, and when somebody types in their pin number, I go, 'Got it!' And then I run away.

I appreciate y’all having me. A lot of you ain’t laughing right now, but goddammit I’m funny. And I’ll have your ass vomiting shortly. Believe that.

You can be gangsta in good weather, These niggas were Gangsta in 99 Feet of mothafuckin' water. Nigga how is you swimming and keeping your Pistol out the water at the same time!?!