Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 792
If I ever commit suicide I’m going to fling myself off the top of a skyscraper, but before I do I’m going to stuff my pockets with candy and gum. That way when the onlookers walk up they can go, “Oh man he really must have been dep - Hey, Snickers!”
People in the United Kingdom and outside the United States share my bemusement with the United States that America doesn't share with itself.
I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.
This is how dumb the real estate agents are in New Jersey. They put their headshots and their advertisements on city benches. You know who sleeps on city benches? Homeless people. Why don’t you just put a picture of a four course meal next to it. “Here’s two things you’ll never own.”
I think I'm going to put baby powder all over my legs before this walk just to be safe.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
And we took off-whoosh-into the night. Through the clouds, we hurtled up into the sky. And this man farted. I will never forget it as long as I live. Not only was it the worst fart, it was the longest. Maybe, it was the position he was in, he had squeezed his ass all up. But he was kinda leanin over and pointing his ass up toward me. And it made the strangest noise. It was like cloth tearing.
So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
You can be gangsta in good weather, These niggas were Gangsta in 99 Feet of mothafuckin' water. Nigga how is you swimming and keeping your Pistol out the water at the same time!?!
Have you ever noticed that your ugliest friend is most afraid of being raped?