Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 792

Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!"

A power nap is when you sleep on someone who's weaker than you.

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".

On Peter Crouch: Even in name, he seems like a Victorian oddity. “Igor, fetch ‘the Crouch’ from the catacombs, we’re going to the graveyard”.

You know me, I love lost causes.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

My brother then opened a tall man's shop in Tokyo.

Honestly, the real reason i shave it down there is to make my dick look bigger, thats why. You mow the lawn the yard looks bigger.

You know, making a movie is a collaborative effort and sometimes all the ingredients don’t work out. I know that every now and again I am going to make a movie that won’t work.

I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.