Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 794
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
I was told by the doctor that I was infertile and I couldn't have children, 3 weeks after that he told me that my girlfriend was pregnant....who's the daddy?
According to New York publishers, Bill Clinton will get more money for his book than Hillary Clinton got for hers. Well, duh. At least his book has some sex in it.
Have you ever done a black guy? Do it. It’s worth the screwed-up credit. I’m telling you. You may never buy a new car again but every night you get a SUV right in the hoo ha.
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime.
With my wife it was sex, sex, sex...Yes, three times in 35 years.
Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself.
People come up to me and say "Steve, what is film editing?" And I say "How should I know? You're the director."
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
My girlfriend called me because one of our other friends is getting married. So, they told me I had to pitch in for a male stripper. I said, 'You out your damn mind. I ain't payin' for no naked-ass man.' I mean, you think about it - women? We really don't have to pay to see that. I mean, really - we spend most of our time trying not to see that.
If old people are so wise, how come they are always getting fucked by telemarketing fraud?