Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 794

If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.

There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her. Because the kid can tell. “Here’s Tickle Me Elmo!” She’s like, “Fuck you!” I stand by my decision.

No Faith! At least wait a few minutes until rush hour is over. You're wearing a teddy bear backpack, everyone is gonna want to hit ya.

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

Cut out those intimate little dinners for two - unless there's someone with you.

We grew up in the good old days before kids had these damn computers and actually played outside.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Before I left for college, my dad said, 'you know, son, I'm going to miss you.' I said, 'I know; that's because I broke the sights off your shotgun.'

For some reason "cowboy" sounds better than "cowman".

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

You know me, I love lost causes.

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!

I've gotten to a place where I am comfortable and I don't battle myself. I'm further ahead than I ever thought I'd be. I've exceeded everyone's expectations. Including, I think, my own.

I appreciate y’all having me. A lot of you ain’t laughing right now, but goddammit I’m funny. And I’ll have your ass vomiting shortly. Believe that.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.