Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 794

This weekend, Pam Anderson tied the knot with Rick Salomon in Las Vegas. The minister who married them said, ‘Is there anyone here who believes this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony?’ And then he raised his hand.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

When I was younger that’s when I was in good shape. I was in my peak physical condition when I was, like, one. Man, you should have seen me back then.

I never thought that Bill Clinton should be the president. When he was running to be the president of the United States, he said on over a hundred occasions, he said the following: He said, 'One of the great accomplishments while I was the governor of Arkansas, was to take my state in education from 50th to 49th.' And I thought, ' you know, Bill, you should keep that a secret.'

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Aphrodisiacs come in many forms: food, drink, the internet...

I became vegan because I saw footage of what really goes on in the slaughterhouses and on the dairy farms.

This is how dumb the real estate agents are in New Jersey. They put their headshots and their advertisements on city benches. You know who sleeps on city benches? Homeless people. Why don’t you just put a picture of a four course meal next to it. “Here’s two things you’ll never own.”

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.

Hey man. It's me again. I was just taking a whizz. Thought you might have called. Okay, later.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"