Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 794

But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over.

I said, “That’s an unusual name. You don’t hear that everyday.”

The legendary Dick Van Dyke on the show tonight. The actor not the pubic beard style. Although... maybe it's time for something new.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I lie a lot, but when I write about Gracie, I don't have to lie. The truth is unbelievable enough.

I mean, the death in the late eighties and early nineties really shook out a lot of hacks. The pond just sort of dried up for a lot of really bad comedians.

You want to look younger... rent smaller children.

My humor was kind of from my dad and all the stuff that we went through, which was a lot of death. My humor was an escape.

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Younger kids, they understand that things aren't so perfect with their father or with their mother.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

No, I don't think you're paranoid. I think you're the opposite of paranoid. I think you walk around with the insane delusion that people like you.

My sister-in-law is so skinny that she has a striped dress with only one stripe.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles… because I didn’t know.