Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 823
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'
New York is great though. If you're here and want a one of a kind souvenir be sure to take home the police sketch of your assailant.
I think about dying. I've come to realize we all die alone in one way or another.
You could take Vicodin, step out of the house, onto a freeway, have a truck hit you, and you'd say "My bad!".
Everybody wrings their hands about Fox News. You know, "fair and balanced? Why, that's snide!" Yeah, okay, maybe they're not fair and balanced, but CNN used to have the slogan "You Can Depend on CNN". Guess what? I watch it, no you can't. So what's the difference?
If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.
That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!
Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized.
If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.
Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.
That's what I am; I'm a drip. You still get hydrated, you still get your nutrients, just a little at a damn time.
It’s so stupid the shit we’re proud of. You know how you got to be who you are? Your parents fucked. There’s nothing to be proud of. You father wanted a blowjob that night. How’s that feel? You’re just a blowjob that got out of hand.
I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.