Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 823
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!
If you need a baby that bad, go down to the pound and get one. Not even a baby - go get an old man. There's unwanted people of all ages, pre-made and waiting for you.
I don't want to take a pill. Go to Africa, go follow some bushman around. He's being chased by a lion. That's stress. You're not going to find a pygmy on Paxil, I'll tell you that right now.
There’s a few sentences you’ll never hear. Like, “Hey we should go to Alabama, again.” You’ll never hear that. Or how about this one? “I can’t believe you haven’t seen Species 2!” This is my favorite one: “Aw! Let’s put some nutmeg up in this muthafucka!”
And by the way, the fact that she's not speaking to anyone in her family is a pretty good indicator that she is the problem.
If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”
Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized.
The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I’m sure now there’d be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.
My wife was fitted with a coil. For about 18 months I hated it! She used to pick up CB signals.