Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 823
There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.
I’m not trying to catch the right formula and do that every night. That’s not fun for me. It’s all about spontaneity.
People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch’s face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?
My life’s pretty easy, which is never good for comedy. I have a great relationship, a nice little house, a couple of dogs and cats and nice friends - there’s no jokes in that. I should fuck things up just for a business move.
If love were a drug people would be like, "Yo… stay away from that shit."
I like clothes and make-up, I like the transformation… But a lot of men had problems. It’s one of those strange things. A man will go, ‘You fucking queer.’ And you just think, ‘Well, your girlfriend fancies me.’
But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy.
I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they'd boo.
They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.
Inauguration Security was tighter than Kirstie Alley in a pair of spandex pants.
I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.
I think I've drawn from some of the most feminine women, like Jackie Kennedy. I am totally devastated that she's gone. She had it all.
When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Smut, if it's really smut, there's nothing backing it up. It's the easy way out.