Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 823
Old McDonald, who said on his honeymoon, "Ee-eye-ee-eye-oooohhh!!!" Never got a dinner!
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, "Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before." Never got a dinner!
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand. You know the rest.
The royal baby has a name now: George Alexander Louis. George is not the king yet. So for now, we just address him as "Boy George."
If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.
Also, I realized a lot of kids are listening to me. Whether I want to be or not, they're looking up to me.
At first the kid kicking the back of my airplane seat was enraging. Then I imagined it was a broken massage chair and I kinda liked it.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
I’m a high-tech low-life. A cutting edge, state-of-the-art bi-coastal multi-tasker and I can give you a gigabyte in a nanosecond!