Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 829
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
If you, the citizen, deliberately vote for someone who won’t give you healthcare over someone who will, you need to have your head examined. Except you can’t afford to have your head examined.
Oprah is rich, Bill Gates is wealthy. If Bill Gates woke up tomorrow with Oprah's money, he'd jump out a fuckin' window and slit his throat on the way down saying, "I can't even put gas in my plane!"
You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!
I'm working on a screenplay about a guy who teaches a retarded kid to read. It's good. But it is so fucking long.
The putts break toward the diamond lane on the freeway here. I had a putt break toward a call box, so I know it depends on what lane. I missed a two-footer because a guy was changing his tire in my line.
My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.
Thomas Jefferson once said: 'Of course the people don't want war. But the people can be brought to the bidding of their leader. All you have to do is tell them they're being attacked and denounce the pacifists for somehow a lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.' I think that was Jefferson. Oh wait. That was Hermann Goering. Shoot.
Just the other day I said to Fang, "Don't you think we've got a storybook romance?" and he said, "Yes, and every page is ripped."
Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?
Have you heard his [Justin Bieber] new song? ‘Cause he thinks he’s a black man now.
Flash Gordon, who said, "No, that’s not how I got my name." Never got a dinner!
We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.