Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 829

I'm severely overrated. I'm just above a hack.

We came, we saw, we sucked.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

Who gave you permission to tell Charlie there was no Santa Claus? I think if we're going to destroy our son's delusions, I should be a part of it.

Thanks Kate, and don't forget to call that number, there is no such thing as a little crack problem.

I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

If anybody comes up to you and says, "My kid is a conservative - why is that?" you say, "Remember in the 60′s when we told you if you kept using drugs your kids would be mutants?"

The putts break toward the diamond lane on the freeway here. I had a putt break toward a call box, so I know it depends on what lane. I missed a two-footer because a guy was changing his tire in my line.

Dear Momma - Wherever you are, if ever you hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.

Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.

I've gotten to a place where I am comfortable and I don't battle myself. I'm further ahead than I ever thought I'd be. I've exceeded everyone's expectations. Including, I think, my own.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.

I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.

I was in the scouts and we had to learn survival things. Like snakebite, what do you do? Suck out the poison. But with your right hand, jiggle the man's balls. That's how I was taught.