Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 829
Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
After a while, you just kind of chill. It just becomes a whole different lifestyle and no one bothers you.
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.
There's going to be a Royal wedding! Ironically I don't get a day off for the wedding as I work part time as an Al-Qaeda sniper. If William's marriage is half as happy as his mum and dad's then Kate might as well cut her own brake cables now. William's dad of course had an affair with Camilla and his mum slept with Englishmen, Americans, and an Egyptian before finally being fucked by that Frenchman. Charles broke Diana's heart... Ten years before a steering column mashed what was left of it. Let's not forget that night. We all know where we were when Diana died. I for one was weaving around Paris in a white Fiat. You know we haven't had a royal assassination in ten years. Let's get rid of her, let's replace her with Martine McCutcheon, and so at last I can wank to the twenty pound note again. If the British Royal Family keep marrying outside the aristocracy, it won't be long before they'll hardly have any German blood left in them.
The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens... You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error.
But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man tends to get away with date rape more often. Also shoplifting and cheating at monopoly.
Smut, if it's really smut, there's nothing backing it up. It's the easy way out.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.
You know what's fun? You pick somebody at random, like out of the phone book, and send them about 100 'Just Because' cards. They can't even ask you why you did it.
New York City subways are now getting high speed Internet. How about some high speed subway trains?