Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 835

Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."

Everyone makes mistakes. That's why pencils have abortions.

I would imagine that Bret would taste like a warm goat cheese, and Jemaine would taste like harvati with dill. Hmm...I'm hungry actually....[walks off camera]

My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'

Anyone you give a ton of money to is going to go slightly crazy. I don't think comedians are particularly special in that regard; they just are better or more vocal in their expressions of their craziness.

I'm a body builder, but I don't use weights. I use snacks. It's kind of a different building process.

I love how New York is so multi-cultural. I wish I was ethnic. “Cause if you’re Hispanic and you get angry, people are like, “He’s got a Latin temper.” But if you’re a white guy and you get angry, people are like, “That guy’s a jerk.”

There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.'

My vanity table is a Black & Decker workbench.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

There was a lot of stuff where we were doing scenes and we would bust out laughing - more on this movie than ever, where you can't finish scenes. I hope we didn't mess up the movie.

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.