Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 835

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.

You like science? You enjoy science? Always use it for good, never for evil. Can you promise me that?

Ed and I were out last night and I asked him why he drank so much. He said he drank to forget. I asked him, "To forget what?" And he said he couldn't remember.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

Cunt is a great word, but it is more impressive if you use it on a guy.

Do you think when Arabs give their kids toy cars, they say “you can only use this once.”?

If you want to play the "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" home game, just send us a million dollars, and we'll send you a desk and four stools.

You know those guys that go to the strip club at the daytime? If you're at a strip club, and the sun is out, you got some problems!

After sex now is so disgusting. As soon as we’re done, my girl dismounts me like she’s getting off a dirty bicycle. And then she just leaves… she won’t even look at me. It’s like she just had sex with a trucker for gas money.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

If I live below a tap dancer I would just put really powerful magnets on the ceiling. We're not tapping shit now, are we? More of a tap stander.

I like my wine like my women - ready to pass out.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.