Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 835

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

I'm putting on a suit and tie when I go see "The Great Gatsby".

I won't talk about what it was like in prison, except to say I'm glad I'm out and that I plan never to go back and to pay my taxes every day.

A lot of people think that kids say the darnedest things. But so would you if you had no education. You’d just be like, "I am bike cheese." Because you wouldn’t know what words were.

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I’m working with my left and right hand. I’m the two-sided coin. I’m all of those metaphors you can think of. I’m the interracial couple. I’m BET and CBS.

Apparently, I don’t know if this is true but I hope it is, I’ve heard it from a few reports, when we went up to get our awards apparently Clint Eastwood turned to someone that he was with and went, Who the fuck are they?

Feminists think that this show is only for sexist dudes, but in fact 43% of our viewers are sexist females.

The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.

If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

Tourists - have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking."

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

There are very few songs about just liking someone as a friend.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.