Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 836
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.
If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber’s calf, he would’ve never started Christianity.
We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering - these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love - these are what we stay alive for.
"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.
In India, grown ass men, GROWN ASS MEN, hold hands with other men and walk down the street as if everythings ok. And they dont just hold hands, they are holding fucking pinkies and SWINGING that shit.
Comedians do movies and TV so that when they tour, they sell out. That's the goal: To get popular enough so the place is packed.
I would say, as far as heckling, there’s benign and there’s malignant; like tumors man. Sometimes you get really nice hecklers. I’d say percentage-wise it’s only about 10 to 20 percent the whole year.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I just got reacquainted with my daddy after 30 years. He came back into my life after 30 years. Ain't that some shit? It's nice. You can laugh if you want to. It ain't like he was lost at sea or nothing.
I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on the train or bus and think, I'm fucking havin that!'