Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 836

My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

They say, "Keep your enemies closer." But what if you live with them?

Cut me off, I’ll curtsy on your ass.

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

If somebody wants to shoot up and die in front of you, more power to them. The herd has a way of thinning itself out.

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

I like to go see a ball game. I'll have seven, eight, nine - 10 beers, and the second inning will roll around, and I gotta go.

In honor of Veteran's Day, make sure to pinch anybody not wearing green.

The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.