Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 836

You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"

If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.

I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

Life is like a concentration camp... you can't leave without dying.

I love devastating movies, documentaries and hummingbirds (yes, in that order).

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

Yeah how bad can it be?<br /> Some people have it worse than me<br /> I could be a child prostitute<br /> Or Gary Glitter’s family

I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.

If Arnold is elected, you know who I'd feel sorry for? The people on death row. Imagine, you're about to be executed, the governor calls, you think it's your reprieve, and you hear 'Hasta la vista, baby.'