Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 872
I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.
Tommy has quit drinking and she shows up and all hell breaks loose.
I've been married to my wife for 60 years but it feels just like yesterday, and you know what a bloody awful day yesterday was.
I was at a party and this guys was hitting on me. But he was hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was “If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?” <br /> And I was like, “Anywhere?”<br /> And he was like, “Anywhere.”<br /> And I was like, “To the other side of the room… Now please get out of the way of a woman and her dream.”
Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.
Some people in England only have their wheelie bins collected once a fortnight. Their suffering is unimaginable.
You can't land on the moon and say, "Ooh, it's all sticky! It's covered in jam!”
I think it's a comedian's job to make everything funny. Nothing is off-limits.
Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.
Steven Spielberg’s mother, who said to E.T., "I don't care where you're from, you're here and you're gonna get bar mitzvahed!" Never got a dinner!
When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.
Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.