Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 871
You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.
No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.
We're going to look at it again in June, we just want to make sure we when we do increase purses we can sustain it, we wouldn't want to have to go back once we increase it.
Well this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around I can leave one hell of a mess.
The earliest stand-up comedy I was aware of was Bill Cosby. I watched Saturday Night Live as soon as I was aware of it, and Monty Python used to be on PBS at weird hours, so I used to try to watch that. And I loved George Carlin on SNL, that was the first stand-up I ever really remember seeing on TV. And then Steve Martin. I guess I was in fifth or sixth grade when Steve Martin showed up, and he was instantly my idol. And Richard Pryor around the same time too, I sort of became aware of him, though I don’t remember the first time I saw him.
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.
Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.