Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 871

I don't watch reality TV. I'm cool.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

I was wondering if Circuit City could possibly make their receipts just a little bit longer.

If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

I collect old portraits. They're all just interesting pictures of people, and you just kind of wonder who they were and what they were. There's a guy - I don't know who he is, but he's wearing a suit. He's got his arms folded, and he looks like he sold insurance or something. I'm just wondering why someone painted him.

Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.

You might be a redneck if you go Christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.

After sex now is so disgusting. As soon as we’re done, my girl dismounts me like she’s getting off a dirty bicycle. And then she just leaves… she won’t even look at me. It’s like she just had sex with a trucker for gas money.

I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion.

I wouldn't do this if I didn't like it.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.