Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 871

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

People that are “cautiously optimistic” are not interesting. I’d rather hang with someone who is “dangerously pessimistic.”

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.

I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I'm a human trying to make it through in this world.

If you're a man and you have big tits, don't wear a tight T-shirt, okay? It confuses the children!

An amateur ventriloquist, my dad could throw his chest pains.

I remember being a kid and the Vietnam War was huge and looking at Watergate.

I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I didn’t worry if a bit got no response, as long as I believed it had enough response to linger.

Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"

I will outlaw bullshit. After the passage of this law the patriarchy will inevitably start to crumble as will the concept of war itself which is largely a large load of bullshit.