Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 871

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

I don’t see the point of watching men exercise.

"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

I don`t know what to do about Max, Angie! Last yeah he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elfs...

Sometimes i drift away...don't worry about that....Sometimes I don't drift back...but don't worry about that either!

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

I'm English, and as such, I crave disappointment.

Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Five." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Four." The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, "How many ahead of me?" "Six." The man leaves, and the barber says to another, "Follow that man!" The man comes back and says, "He goes to your house!"

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

When anybody pays you to be creative, you're very lucky.

Nigga, look at me, do I look like I follow diets well?

This is not the most right I've ever been.