Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 915

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can't just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

My wife, she told me I was one in a million. I found out that she was right.

[Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?

God didn't have an anal plan.

I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

I know I’m a little bit overweight myself. The other night someone shouted, “No shit!” I thought, “It could be that.”

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

It's not an issue per say, but I would urge people to help create an atmosphere where they don't see this complete ideological divide.

I view a visit to the therapist in much the same way that I view a visit to the hairdresser. When I leave the office, my head looks great. Around an hour later it’s all fucked up and I can’t get it to look that way again on my own.