Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 915

I bought a portable cable TV.

I'm a lesbian, an Aquarian, and a vegetarian.

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.

Hey, here's a tip for you: The next time you have the world by the balls, don't twist them.

My biggest problem is retaining the exact information.

So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

A glove is a very literal looking hand puppet.

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!

My grandmother was a Jewish juggler: she used to worry about six things at once.

A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.