Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 915
When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".
You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.
I have an air mattress. It's great because if someone tries to suffocate me in bed I can just poke a hole in it and use it to stay alive.
Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, "Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done."
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.
Who the fuck are you? Get out of my house... and take that fucking bulldozer with you.