Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 916

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

I try to dress smooth, I try to keep my face shaved, I try to keep my head cut. I try to do all the things to keep it smooth going!

I hit two trees and fell down a ditch. And that was just walking from the lodge.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit"

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

Improv relies just as much on listening as it does you delivering dialogue. That's the hard for some people. Some people just concentrate on what they're going to say, and they're not listening. You have to listen in order to see where the other person is going to.

That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'

It is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

I'd commit suicide, if I could do it without killing myself.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If he's unsure, then he's unsure, and that's an answer - unsure is 'no.' The phrase 'I love you, but I'm not in love with you' really is this. The first 'I love you' means, 'I don't want to hurt you.' The second one means, 'I'm not in love with you.' That's bad news. 'I'm not in love with you' is 'I'm not in love with you.'

One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes relationship just end, often without reason. I truly believe that sometimes both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning.

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.