Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 916

Even after 9/11, during the darkest moment of our recent history, the President told us, “Go shopping.” That's how we were told to uphold American values; go out and fucking buy more shit. So what were we supposed to do?

For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.

So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"

[Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?

Just to be on the front row here is a bit of a prize in itself.

I hate how all the hip hop bands of today will put crazy sound effects into their songs. You know what I mean, like a police or ambulance siren in a tune? Because I could own the CD, I could listen to it 50 gamillion times in my car - I still fall for it every time.

I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

The currency of this show is your own head. They've established a certain structure here, but it's still in evolution.

While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses.

This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

There's two approved methods for getting a pedicure for a guy. Number one, you use your own grinder or... You have an eighteen year-old Vietnamese girl rub your feet and call you "Joe" and that's it!

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.