Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 92
The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.
I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...
It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.
I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.
Wallmart had their employees switch from saying “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays”. How many Jews are really shopping at Wallmart? In fact, if you’re a Jew shopping at Wallmart, your life probably hasn’t gone as planned.
Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.
It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.
I've never heard of an Israeli going out as a suicide bombers to kill Palestinians. I never saw anybody offer more peace to the Palestinians. Palestinians, many of them that are our enemies, we still invite them to live in our own country, endangering our own lives to give them equal pay on equal jobs and health care benefits and all kinds of benefits. When an Arab is hurt, even trying to kill us, we give them the best hospitals, the best medical care. We make them partners in our own Parliament, and we're persecuting them? This is such a sick perversion. It's like saying the Jews persecuted Hitler.