Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 92

The bible should say one thing. Try not to be a cunt.

How you gonna have racism in a country that don’t belong to nobody… Ain’t nobody belong here. You got people going “Go home!” You go home too. You ain’t from here. Go home.

The very first law in advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague.

May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

Don't learn from other people's mistakes. That's the worst advice you could ever get. Other people are fucking morons. Wrestling's the number one show on cable television. You're gonna learn from their mistakes? They're fucking tools! You might be the first guy who could to do it right and be a hero for all of us. Take a chance and learn to fly there, Orville Wright!

George Bush inspired me because I was like hey I can do that.

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat".

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

Is it warm in here? I'm sweating like a pimp with one ho.

Oh the abortion issue, it's a woman's issue. When a woman get pregnant, she don't want to hear shit from the man. Fuck you, motherfuck you, I don't need you. Unless she decides to have the baby and she's like, "Where my check?"

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

I have N'Sync and Aerosmith and Britney Spears. I have a trifecta from hell.