Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 92
Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.
I was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving. When brought before the judge, I was asked if I knew what the punishment for drunk driving in that state was. I said, "I don't know... reelection to the Senate?"
I work out with alot of gay guys at the gym. I do, because my only goal is to get into "gay shape". Now, you know what I'm talking about. Gay men are the most ripped kind of... listen... I don't know how strong you have to be to blow a guy, but I'm guessin', there is some muscle involved.
Cinnamon buns, now - those are something I'd want to buy and have as a nickname. "Excuse me, are you cinnamon buns?" "You bet your sweet ass I am."
No matter how flat you make your pancakes, it still has two sides.
Your husband is lazy if coffee doesn’t keep him awake – even when it’s hot and being spilled on him.
I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves. Here's Tom with the Weather.
I do think certain kinds of music can make you violent. Like, when I listen to Nickelback, it makes me want to kill Nickelback.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
I don’t get the point of drug commercials. Like the thing with the frying pan and the egg. “This is your brain. This is your brain on drugs. Any questions?” Yeah, do I get bacon with this?