Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 91

You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.

Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.

We weren’t allowed to have any sugary cereals as a kid. The two cereals we were allowed to have were Cheerios and Kix. And Cheerios is, like, cardboard doo-doo. And Kix is kinda like the handjob of cereals… cause it’s like, "this is pretty good… but you know what I really want…"

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

It's fun to be in California. The police are kind of weird here. They ask you stupid questions. 'Do you know why I pulled you over?' Because I have pot in the glove compartment?

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

When Obama ran, he said, "We can change the world!" The world: can you change it back?!

I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Wallmart had their employees switch from saying “Merry Christmas” to “Happy Holidays”. How many Jews are really shopping at Wallmart? In fact, if you’re a Jew shopping at Wallmart, your life probably hasn’t gone as planned.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I have to wear a hat even indoors and flashes in particular freak me out. I even have to make them turn down the lights in the make-up trailers. I've become such a pain in the butt with this light-sensitive thing, it's a wonder they don't just shoot me.