Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 91
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: "You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!"
The new Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, is now Pope Francis the 1st. "Francis" was not his first choice for a name. But the Vatican wisely talked him out of "Pope Boo Boo."
Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.
Last time I was out here was not too long after 9/11, and you could not drive a car to the airport at that time. That was one of the first safety precautions: only taxis could go to the airport. Because, really, what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis?
I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!
How to survive boarding school. Do not express emotion, do not feel emotion, do not have emotion. If someone hits you, hit them back, if someone argues with you, argue back, never give in an inch, never look vulnerable and you will survive.
When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!
Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.
My poor mom, she's like, 'That's my son, Dat Phan. He crack joke all the time. I tell him go to law school, become a lawyer. But no, he move up to Hollywood - he live out of his car; he eat Top Ramen with all the gay guys.'
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
My dad is still Christian Scientist. My mom's not, and I'm not. But I believe in God, and that there's a higher power and an intelligence that's bigger than us and that we can rely on. It's not just us, thinking we are the ones in control of everything. That idea gives me support.