Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 91
Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing. Two topless men... in silk shorts... fighting over a belt and a purse.
I have a bad gambling problem. You're not in show business for 12 years and dress like this without a bad gambling problem.
The Russians haven't been to the moon. You know why? Because they're space pussies... You really want to impress us? Bring us back our flag!
"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.
Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.
Every generation has their challenge. And things change rapidly, and life gets better in an instant.
You lose your energy, you lose that excitement and it gets the audience up.
It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.
The best definition of an honest politician is one who… when he is bought, stays bought.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Last time I was out here was not too long after 9/11, and you could not drive a car to the airport at that time. That was one of the first safety precautions: only taxis could go to the airport. Because, really, what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims to the airport than only allowing taxis?