Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 972
Occasionally, when I lived in London, I would have sex with a girl from an aristocratic family. I always enjoyed doing to them what their ancestors did to my country.
You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
If you laugh at that, you lower the bar, and I will limbo under it because I am a fucked-up guy!
You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Most people don't know what it's like to stand up there and speak their mind. I have a venue to do that. I get paid to do that. It's not like I'm doing heavy lifting up there. It's not like I'm solving the world's problems. It's like I'm hanging out with a bunch of people and it's cool.
But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.
I was fat! I was pustule-rich! I looked like a pink human grenade! When did I blossom into the irresistible little orchid that I am now? I don't know. Getting taller helps. It spreads out a bit.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.
North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.
You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"
There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'