Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 972
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family.
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.
I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
I'm up. If that doesn't get me up, you know what will. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. Bink. No, need sleepy!
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.
I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy.
Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.