Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 972
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. Some say, it's the only time we're perfect. You're also born covered in blood and placenta. No one gets nostalgic about that.
If I would've married me I would have outlawed foreplay. I would have been pissed at myself in bed but had more time to read great novels.
Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
Kristen Stewart always looks like she's posing for pictures taken in a basement by her creepy uncle.
In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.
I have over 18 years sober but am still just a minute away from going insane again.
You might be a redneck if the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
We've lost our way, I thin. We keep waiting for a wizard to fix it. You know, the Democrats and Republicans - they're not going to fix it. That's just Coke and Pepsi - same crap, different can.
Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed? Are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step or, at least, into taking some different course of action, so that we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it's the happy people that are really screwed up in the head?
Earth Day was created because we were doing a lot of drugs, more drugs than you could ever imagine. And so we came up with Earth Day, so we'd have one day that would remind us what planet we were living on.