Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 972

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it’s too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

That's an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone... forever?

I have no grand scheme.

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button!

I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.

I'll tell you, too, that's starting to depress me about UFO's, about the fact that they cross galaxies, or wherever they come from to visit us, and always end up in places like Fife, Alabama. Maybe these are not super-intelligent beings, man.

You might be a redneck if you are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.