Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 98
I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, "what are you, zero?" And I'd go, "no, I'm one over here!"
Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?
I'm in my fifties now, which is a cool age. I love being in my fifties because people gotta listen to you now; you've been around for awhile. Now, the other side of that coin is that - cause you're in your fifties - you still care what people think about you. So you kind of filter what you say. Now if that's the case, I can't wait until I'm eighty. Because eighty-year-old people don't give a damn what you think. Think about it: how many eighty-year-old people with any tact at all do you know? None! 'Cause they don't have to! They're eighty! Does Grandma hold her farts in at the dinner table? No! She doesn't have to. She's earned the right to fart at your dinner table. She'll fart at the pearly gates on her way to meet sweet Jesus.
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
Radio DJ's are the same two motherfucking asshole clowns all over the country. I hate radio interviews. 'You didn't know it David, but you're just in time for the Friday Morning Fart Song!' No, sorry, I'm not doing that. Even if it's only fifteen minutes, it's the worst fifteen minutes of your life. I don't care if you've been in a fucking shark attack. If I was in a shark attack, and then they had no anesthetic and they had to heal it up, sew it up, I would be like, 'This sucks,' but then if two DJ's came in and interviewed me I'd fucking shoot myself.
My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.
Every Thanksgiving we feed the homeless so they may join us as we celebrate other people finding a home.
I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.
You say, "Do you want a cup of coffee?" and she says, "Yeah, okay." Then sex is on, yes? Doesn't always work, though. If the President of Barundi says do you want a cup of coffee...
Sometimes for me not throwing a tantrum is what running a marathon or swimming the English Channel must be like for others of a less-challenging emotional nature.
The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.