Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 98
I sit down with my daughter and I said, "Do you know how babies get here?" And she said, "Well, the lady has an egg inside of her, and the man has sperm inside of him, and the sperm meets the egg, and that's how the lady gets pregnant." And I said, "Do you know how the sperm meets the egg?" She said, "Does the man pee on the woman?" I said, "Sometimes, but that's $35 extra."
There is something going on now in Mexico that I happen to think is cruelty to animals. What I'm talking about, of course, is cat juggling.
I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.
Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.
Poor Michael Jackson and these sex allegations. As if it’s not bad enough him being a Jehova’s Witness, they’re accusing him of behaving like a catholic priest!
I never saw Lenny Bruce, but I know all about him. I heard every tape. I’ve talked with his mother. His daughter is like a sister to me. Can you imagine missing someone you never knew?
I now believe in reincarnation. Tonight's monologue is going to come back as a dog.
How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.
"I stood on a stone fish once." "Oh yeah, how was it?" "Worst fucking pain known to man." "Have you known a lot of pain?" "Aye, I fell off my bike once."
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.
Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.
You can't study comedy; it's within you. It's a personality. My humor is an attitude.