Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 994
When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes had the baby. He was there for the birth. It would've been nice if he was there for the conception.
Lasting harmony with a woman (was) an undertaking in which I twice failed rather disgracefully.
A horse walks into a bar, and the barman says "Why the long face?". The horse replies: "I'm deeply troubled by the anthropomorphic aspects of my existence and the extent to which I am now protected by law."
I love autumn in New York City: The yellows, the browns, and the rust - and that’s just the drinking water... Here in New York City, the leaves turn - and run.
He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'