Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 994
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
I had a three year relationship end. Ever have somebody just freak out on you in a relationship? Things are going great. After three years she wants to run out and find a guy that doesn’t hit her.
Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.
Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.
Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.
I've got a lot to say about television. There's a lot going on in television right now and I feel like a huge part of television.
Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
You think the President of the United States wants to fuck every woman he meets?.. Well, bad example.
Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.
A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.
Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life.
Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.
The truth is that I'm constitutionally incapable of doing an ordinary job.