Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 994

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.

Halloween seems to be getting bigger every year. I noticed a pattern this year with girls' costumes. Girls will take a typically altruistic career -- such as librarian, nurse, maybe nun -- and turn her into a whore.

A good newspaper is never nearly good enough but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

People are going to see both of us and think it's an Abbott and Costello kind of thing. It's not an easy switch. It's not an easy transition from TV to film.

My girlfriend’s a redhead; No hair, just a red head.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle, you might be a redneck.

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

You know, I think you're a very special unit.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.

I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

So I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."