Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 994

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

iPod now has music on a fucking credit card. Eventually they'll have it so that you wear underwear and you just hear it in your head.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

I was always confused with what was near-sight and what was far-sight. Now I'm not confused at all: I've got both, I don't give a fuck which is which.

You might be a redneck if you have the electronic singing fish in more than three rooms in your house.

I'm sorry for being me. I won't ever do it again.

Dracula, who said while they drove a wooden stake into his heart, "Boy, I sure hope this is heartburn." Never got a dinner!

"I'm bored" is a useless thing to say. You live in a great, big, vast world that you've seen none percent of.

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

If you can't tell a spoon from a ladle, then you're fat!

I'm surprised even now that I was aware of things like that at that age. I don't know why. But I decided I would just rather not do them. So I quit for a while.