Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 994

I used to be sceptic, but not anymore, because now I am positive that I'm getting screwed.

I do what I can do when I can do it.

Even before I knew I was gay, I knew I didn't want to have a child. I knew I didn't want to have one. I never want to have to release it from me. Listen, I love babies. I love children. And I melt when I'm around them. I also love my freedom and I love that I can sleep at night.

... you've probably worked out by now that all our songs are ridiculously long to make up for the total lack of content.

I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”

Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?

Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I'm a compulsive everything.

Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about.

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, "Christ, what's that smell?"

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.