Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 995

Toughest job I ever had: selling doors, door to door.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

You got to start by doing little things if your quest is to take over the world.

My timing is so precise a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.

Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up... kinda looking around going maybe kicking my knees. Looking behind me going: "That looks a little bashed in back there...Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?" "Well yes I do! Thank you very much."

A parade looks like a bunch of people are excited about being in traffic.

I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.

You might be a redneck if your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.

I think the hard thing about stand-up - I mean, I think this part is great - but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause - 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored..."

I think you have to try and fail, because failure gets you closer to what you're good at.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Sounds to me like he's on the toilet.

I became a performer because it was what I enjoyed doing.

You are human tennis elbow. You are a pizza burn on the roof of the world's mouth. You are the opposite of Batman.

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.