Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 995

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.

George Bush hates midgets.

Rejected names for World War II: ‘Global Super Killfest’, ‘Germaniacal Japandamonium’, ‘World War 1: New Moon’.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.

Everybody is corrupted by hotel rooms. You can't help it. It's the only place in the world where you walk in and the first think you do is steal everything before you take your coat off.

Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!

Life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

I'm competitive at everything.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.