Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 995
The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.
It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.
I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell "fire."
Massachusetts became the first state to marry gay couples, though lawmakers say allowing gay couples to get married raises a lot of questions. You know, such as: does that best man invite both guys to the bachelor party?
I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.
Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
My folks were English. They were too poor to be British. I still have a bit of British in me. In fact, my blood type is solid marmalade.
No matter how popular you are as a stand-up - you can go out and fill a 10,000-seat arena and be smart and funny - it's delicate to host an awards show and know where your place is and know that it's not about you, that it's about the people who are nominated, and respect that, but at the same time have your moment to show them who you are.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
If you mention to a woman that the song is disgusting and mysoginistic, they all give you the same answer: "He ain't talking 'bout me!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick … He said your name! "No, he didn't!" Smack her with a dick, smack her with a dick …
The University of Ilinois has hired 15 women to smell pig manure all day so that researchers can find out what makes pig manure smell so bad. You know who I feel sorry for? The woman who applied for this job and got turned down.