Quotes and Jokes by Andrew Dice Clay

Andrew Dice Clay is an American stand-up comedian, actor, musician, and producer. He rose to prominence in the late 1980s with a brash, macho, offensive persona known as "The Diceman". In 1990, he became the first stand-up comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden for two consecutive nights.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 16)


Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with $2.50.


If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.


Little Boy Blue - He needed the money.


I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.


Mother Goose? Yeah I fucked her.


Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.


I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!


When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.”


Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.


What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!


People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.


C'mon baby, lose the bra.


If my girlfriend brings home a nice looking friend of hers, I fuck her on principal. You know what I mean? Don't throw another bush in front of my face. What do you think I'm gonna do? Talk to it? I'm gonna bang it.


I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.


Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?