Quotes & Jokes by Andrew Dice Clay

Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with $2.50.

If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.

Little Boy Blue - He needed the money.

Mother Goose? Yeah I fucked her.

Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.

I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.

When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.”

I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!

I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.

Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.

Just tonight this chick is sucking my dick. And she’s like, “Don’t come in my mouth.” I go, “Honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair. We’re in a nice restaurant.”

I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.

If my girlfriend brings home a nice looking friend of hers, I fuck her on principal. You know what I mean? Don't throw another bush in front of my face. What do you think I'm gonna do? Talk to it? I'm gonna bang it.

People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.

Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?