Quotes & Jokes by Andrew Dice Clay
Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with $2.50.
If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.
Little Boy Blue - He needed the money.
Mother Goose? Yeah I fucked her.
Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.
I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.
I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!
When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.”
Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.
Just tonight this chick is sucking my dick. And she’s like, “Don’t come in my mouth.” I go, “Honey, I don’t want to fuck up your hair. We’re in a nice restaurant.”
I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.
If my girlfriend brings home a nice looking friend of hers, I fuck her on principal. You know what I mean? Don't throw another bush in front of my face. What do you think I'm gonna do? Talk to it? I'm gonna bang it.
I'm not the greatest husband - I've got a girlfriend. It doesn't really please my wife, but then if I was looking to please her I wouldn't have a girlfriend. I mean she knows about it, and I guess she's okay with it. Plus my kids like both of them.
People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.
Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?