Quotes and Jokes by Andrew Dice Clay

Andrew Dice Clay is an American stand-up comedian, actor, musician, and producer. He rose to prominence in the late 1980s with a brash, macho, offensive persona known as "The Diceman". In 1990, he became the first stand-up comedian to sell out Madison Square Garden for two consecutive nights.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 16)


Jack and Jill went up the hill Both with a buck and a quarter, Jill came down with $2.50.


If it smells like fish its a dish. If it smells like cologne leave it alone.


Little Boy Blue - He needed the money.


I like a bush. A nice big, hairy, stinky, smelly fucking bush. And I hate when they put cologne on it. They dummy it up with cologne like you don’t know where you are. I like that nice natural scent of salmon.


Mother Goose? Yeah I fucked her.


Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.


I don't drink to get happy or to forget the pain. I drink to stop the voices in my head. Do you know what's so bad about them, they stutter. Ddddave... Kkkikikill your papapaparents!


When you jerk off, you’re saying “Hey, I care about me.”


Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.


What am I looking at? I want to eat you like a tossed fucking salad!


If my girlfriend brings home a nice looking friend of hers, I fuck her on principal. You know what I mean? Don't throw another bush in front of my face. What do you think I'm gonna do? Talk to it? I'm gonna bang it.


C'mon baby, lose the bra.


I think the best part of being gay is when you're done, you could turn over and talk about football.


People are taking the act too seriously. The Diceman character is a macho moron. It's juvenile comedy. I just like to make people laugh.


Don't most men actually think that the more money they spend on a date, the more fingers they get to stick in your pussy before they kiss you goodnight?