Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 3


Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?

The other day my girlfriend complained to me “chivalry is dead. Oh, Anthony, chivalry is dead.” And I told her “No, baby, chivalry isn’t dead. Chivalry is alive and well. You’re thinking of your mom.”

My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

My girlfriend wants me to choke her while we're having sex. But I say, what's wrong with while we're having dinner?

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious - nobody saw me.

I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.

Larry King's been married eight times. Eight times! Jesus, man. You've got 99 problems and bitches are all of them!

Hitler really wasn't so bad. In the black way.

Like I’ll never forget the last time, we played that game, she was like Anthony. If you could have lunch with anyone in the world living or dead who would it be. And I said I don’t know, Caligula and she was really Caligula, that’s your answer, that’s what you’re going to say to me your girlfriend: are you sure, I said I am sorry baby, let me change that, I’d have lunch with you and you’d be dead.

I hate when I'm masturbating to a hot chick on TV and then, right when I'm about to come, it cuts to one of the other Smurfs.

Women are really divided on abortion in this country. Half of them are cool, but the other half I have to drag down there.

When I was born, I was my parents favorite. But then they seemed to forgot all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.

People who get offended by jokes are fucking stupid.