Quotes & Jokes by Arj Barker

The last time I smoked pot and drove a car I ended up getting pulled over by a street cleaner. Marijuana has been scientifically proven to distort one’s perception of depth and distance. So driving’s a terrible idea. 'Cuz you’re in your car, like, "Oh man, I got a small steering wheel. Well, I am a magical gnome.. so that’s pretty cool." "Maybe I’ll pull over by that pine tree and take a hike... oh wait, shit, that’s the air freshener!"

I found a grey hair in my beard the other day, and that can mean one of two things. I'm either getting old or I'm a fucking wizard!

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoeseum?

Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure - we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they're easier to track that way.

A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

Google is ridiculous. Everyone uses Google, and that's why Google has such an attitude. Because it's so popular, it's conceited. I mean, it has a serious attitude. Have you tried misspelling something lately? See the tone that it takes? 'Um, did you mean...?'

She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.

Can you imagine if you had a pair of shoes that you could only walk in? That could be kind of limiting under certain circumstances. 'Everybody get outta here! There's a swarm of bees coming!' What? Oh great, I got my walking shoes on today. I guess I better stroll the hell out of here at a moderate pace.

I just got a car, and I gotta say, this car is very cryptic. The very first day I drove it, a light came on out of nowhere: 'Check engine.' Could they be any more vague? What if a light came on and said, 'Problem'?

I was in a real conservative area just outside of Chicago recently. And this guy's like, 'Hey, Arj, you're from San Francisco. Are you in favor of gay marriage?' I was like, 'Well, I'd like to get to know you a little bit better first. I don't know what ever happened to buying a guy a smoothie and seeing what happens. That's how we do it back home.'

My general rule of thumb is, once something's a ride at Disneyland, I assume that it is no longer a threat in real life. Which is why I don't expect to get attacked by a giant tea cup anytime soon.

There’s too much porn on the internet. That’s why I’m downloading all of it.

There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there - I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.

For years and years, Arj Barker was high on life, but eventually, I built up a tolerance.

You can get tested now for early onset Alzheimer's. Hold on a second, could someone hire a marching band, cause I'm so happy I feel like having a parade. You mean I can find out early if I'm going to die of a super horrible disease that there's no cure for? Well, whoopee!