Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham

102 quotes

My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

Dick's and vagina's are like Coke and Pepsi, I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they both taste the same.

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!

Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.

The average penis length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who Googles "average penis length" is 3-and-a-half inches.

One out of forty-four U.S. Presidents can dunk. It’s Millard Filmore, you racists.

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

When life gets you down, make a comforter.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny, but we’ll quit beating this dead horse when it stops spitting out money. But until then, we will repeat stuff.

Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to fuck me.