Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham


My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

Dick's and vagina's are like Coke and Pepsi, I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they both taste the same.

Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

The average penis length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who Googles "average penis length" is 3-and-a-half inches.

When life gets you down, make a comforter.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.

Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

One out of forty-four U.S. Presidents can dunk. It’s Millard Filmore, you racists.

Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

I stopped and I thought, "What would Jesus do?" So I didn’t exist.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.