Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham


My ex-girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up as herself and then act like a fucking bitch all the time.

Dick's and vagina's are like Coke and Pepsi, I strongly prefer one but my dad thinks they both taste the same.

Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!

The average penis length is 5-and-a-half inches, and finally, the average penis length of a man who Googles "average penis length" is 3-and-a-half inches.

One out of forty-four U.S. Presidents can dunk. It’s Millard Filmore, you racists.

What do you call a kid with no arms and an eyepatch? Names.

Poetic talent is really easy to fake when thy sentences doth no fucking sense make.

I masturbate 'cause I'm the only one whose standards are low enough to fuck me.

Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones; or masturbate during the daytime.

If Jesus can walk on water can he swim on land?

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

We know it’s not right. We know it’s not funny, but we’ll quit beating this dead horse when it stops spitting out money. But until then, we will repeat stuff.

Bono, if you want to help poor people, sell your tinted shades, you cunt.

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

When life gets you down, make a comforter.