Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope


A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that.

That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'

If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.