Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope

122 quotes

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.

That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

Golf is a funny game. It's done much for health, and at the same time has ruined people by robbing them of their peace of mind. Look at me, I'm the healthiest idiot in the world.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.