Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope


I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that.

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean 'your guess is as good as mine.'

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.