Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope

122 quotes

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.

As soon as the war ended, we located the one spot on earth that hadn't been touched by the war and blew it to hell.

Drugs are very much a part of professional sports today, but when you think about it, golf is the only sport where the players aren't penalized for being on grass.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Elvis is just a young, clean-cut American boy who does in public what everybody else does in private.

That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.

I love flying. I've been to almost as many places as my luggage.

I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.

Ronald Reagan is not a typical politician because he doesn't know how to lie, cheat, and steal. He's always had an agent do that.

Baseball is a soap opera that plays out day after day, one that a lot of elderly women watch until the characters and the plot becomes a part of their life. She got to enjoy the personal side of the players. They were her kids. The Braves were her family.

My next door neighbor just had a pacemaker installed. They're still working the bugs out, though. Every time he makes love, my garage door opens.

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government. Why don't they just print our money with a return address on it?

Where else but in America could the women's liberation movement take off their bras, then go on TV to complain about their lack of support?

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

Kissing is like drinking tea with a tea strainer, you can never get enough.