Quotes & Jokes by Brad Stine

26 quotes

If you can't say something nice... about an overrated, ungrateful European nation that would have been wiped off the face of the earth twice in the twentieth century if it weren't for the United States and which has given nothing to the culture in the past two hundred years but whine and cheese, both of which are made better in California, then don't say anything at all!

If the truth conflicts with my beliefs, I change my beliefs.

The way to stop political correctness is to not do it. If someone says, "You offended me" then you say "I don’t care!" If they’re offended by the truth, that’s their issue!

Who is more irrational? A man who believes in a God he doesn't see, or a man who's offended by a God he doesn't believe in?

The truth is supposed to hurt. That's how it lets you know you don't got it.

God is a crutch? Yeah, well, not believing in God is a coma.

The wussification of America is killing us by teaching us to censor ourselves from what we believe. That’s why I want to see political correctness die in my lifetime, but first... I want to watch it suffer.

I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly.

You’re not a bunch of people lock-stepped with the politically correct. Oh no! Don’t shoot the animals! They might get their feelings hurt!

You know what offends me? Offended people. In a country with guaranteed rights to freedom of religion, its citizens are constantly trying to make faith in public spheres illegal, I am offended by that contradiction and want to talk about it as a comic.

Because when the Creator of matter, tell you you matter, then you have a purpose and then you have self-esteem.

When did banning anything, ever work? I mean, we banned liquor once in this country, oh, that worked like a charm, didn't it, folks? You couldn't find a drink in the roaring 20's, could ya? See that's the problem with the banning thing! I say why stop there, let's not ban guns, I know, let's ban crime!

We should have a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. "Well, I'm bored. Let's go brush our teeth." Or, "I've got to make a phone call. Hold this gum in your mouth."

Conservative concepts believe in little government - take care of yourself, and that makes men who invent things like the constitution! Liberal thought has big government - we’ll take care of you - and that creates boys and they create things like Occupy Wall Street! There’s a difference between the way men and boys behave.

Oh, I know: If you’re fat, let’s not blame you, let’s sue McDonalds! Oh, for cryin’ out loud, hey, if you smoke, not your fault, it’s the tobacco company’s fault! Hey, if you shoot somebody, not your fault, let’s blame the gun industry!